


Lost Causes

by MsDamia, tiziano



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Action, BAMF Darcy Lewis, Comedy, F/M, Fluff, Romance, SCIENCE!, SO MUCH FLUFF, Shenanigans, Slow Build, Tacos, Tequila, Travel, adopt a ginger day, always pillage before you burn, brutalization of machinery, darcy can find any loophole, darcy can talk herself out of anything, don't fuck with ladies night, extreme use of tazers, hydroponics means booze, ladies night, no one likes HR, pop culture references, self control issues, self defense with Natasha, taco tuesday, tazers are only illegal if you can't find the loophole, tequila tuesday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2017-11-23 23:48:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 34,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/627883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsDamia/pseuds/MsDamia, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiziano/pseuds/tiziano
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy doesn't join SHIELD. In fact she pretty much refuses to join them, doesn't mean she wont be a contract employee so she can do other things she finds important. Thankfully, Jane totally has her back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this isn't in any way related to my other story. What this is, is what happens when I want my brain to come up with some happy times for Phil and Darcy. The first chapter is a little choppy but that's just the way it is.

Semantics is an art form. Seriously! It provided more loopholes than anything else Darcy Lewis had ever had the dubious pleasure of dealing with. It was Semantics and the loopholes it created that had gotten her through not one, not two, not even three, but -FOUR- change of majors. She’d had five majors total in her college career, something she was immensely proud of.

She’d started with Philosophy. It wasn’t nearly as relaxed as she’d thought it would be, too many existential crisis going on with the emo little twits who called that department home. She’d changed to Literature, thinking the creativity would inspire her to something more. Sadly this was not the case and there was no way in hell she was reading through Les Miserables in it’s original five-volume boss-form. So she switched to History. Interesting in some ways, but pointing out what you thought were obvious inconsistencies with thought and deed brought about instant punishment from the fascist regime who ruled the department. So she moved on to Business Administration thinking it could at least help her get a decent job in the Real World. Sadly, most of the people in that program thought they were Tony Stark in disguise or Hipsters. She could handle the Stark-wannabe’s, she couldn’t handle the self-entitled hipster-chic cretins who didn’t understand nearly half of what they thought they did. So she made her final change. Political Science. She figured it could at least get her pre-law and she could become Shark or something.

Political Science was her niche. Current events, government bureaucracy, foreign affairs, rumors, debates - she was in heaven. She sharpened her sarcasm to a razor edge and smiled as she won the majority of the debates she was involved in. Of the debates she didn’t win, most were draws due to her love of semantics. One could follow the very letter of the law and get away with a lot more than others would think. It was a beautiful thing.

Darcy had spent six years at a four year college after graduating high school with not only her diploma, but an AA degree from the local community college thanks to her dedication to the running start program. She wasn’t stupid, no matter what a few uninformed individuals might assume. She only needed a handful of credits to complete a BA in the majors she’d transferred out of, but they hadn’t been interesting enough to keep her attention.

Then came the summer of her six-science-credits internship. She’d applied because she was bored, it was always good to horde credits when you liked to hop majors, it took her someplace new, and it got her away from the crowds of people who weren’t close enough to ever talk to about things you wouldn’t post on Facebook. There were a lot of things Darcy didn’t believe should be posted on Facebook. Things like anything family related.

Not that Darcy had much of a family. She was an only child, didn’t know her grandparents, had no idea if she had cousins and mostly avoided the topic of family whenever possible. What she did have, was a drunken drug addicted mother who had attempted to pimp out her child for Snow and a drunken, gambling addict of a father who had been found dead in an alley when she was seven years old. Darcy had spent most of her life being taken from and given back to a woman that liked to pretend she could be something other than a failure of a human being. So Darcy just didn’t share. She had never really mastered the making friends portion of her childhood and didn’t really care one way or another.

College was an experience Darcy had chosen to get the best of, though. Maybe she didn’t have a lot of friends, but she had a lot of people she was friendly with. It gave her a few hundred Facebook friends, which was kind of a step in the right direction when you thought about it. She went on a few dates, went to frat parties where she blacked out and woke up without her clothes on, went to sorority parties where she blacked out and woke up without her clothes on, and worked her ass off to keep up a 4.0 gpa so she could keep her scholarships. She didn’t really have direction though, and she certainly didn’t feel any sense of purpose.

Darcy’s tenure as Dr. Jane Foster’s intern taught her about science. It also taught her about Mad Scientists, a passion for your job, Scandinavian curse words, mythology, bureaucratic red tape, alphabet agencies, sibling rivalry, and actual friendship. There was probably more she could have added to that list, but those were some of her favorite. Oh, wait, hot aliens with six-packs. That was also important.

Agent Phil Coulson had swooped in like a calm center of a suited storm. She had learned his first name when she’d picked his pocket to double check his badge. The man had been less than amused, though Jane had looked impressed. He’d had everything taken from the lab, up to and including her iPod. That had crossed a line in Darcy’s opinion. You simply didn’t mess with another persons tunes. She vowed vengeance then and there, Jane hadn’t been as amused since she was more worried about all her Science! equipment. The capitalization and exclamation point were important in this case, as it was actually super-science.

SHIELD ended her internship with a great deal of non-disclosure forms and a greatly redacted summary of her internship. Just in case. She still got the credits though, and the now focused Darcy Lewis graduated with a BS in Political Science and a handful of minors. During those eight months Darcy traded daily emails with Jane (who went through five SHIELD assigned assistants during that time) and worked her way through the red tape of secret government agencies, filing complaints left and right with a demented kind of glee. Since all of them were (to the letter of the law) valid, they had to be read through and responded to.

Darcy graduated Summa Cum Laude. The only reason she walked at all was because Jane and Erik insisted they needed pictures. She might not have discussed her home life with them, but they weren’t so enraptured by their science they couldn’t piece together the fact that it wasn’t a happy childhood. They came to the graduation, cheered for her when her name was called, and even brought her flowers. Maybe she’d teared up a bit at that, but really you couldn’t blame a girl for getting teary over affection. Not only that, but the physics faculty started salivating as soon as they spotted them. Jane and Erik had been publishing everything SHIELD approved for public consumption. There were even rumors that Stark Industries might be getting involved on their work sometime soon.

Darcy spent two months working at a crappy diner and refusing to work for SHIELD. She’d been offered a ridiculous salary and the promise to get her iPod back, but she knew that iPod came with a lot more strings and simply wasn’t willing to deal with that. Soon enough she’d have the money to get a new one and until then she had music downloaded on her phone and computer. She’d keep sending in the requisition forms though, just to piss people off. At this point it would probably be suicide to work for SHIELD, the HR department likely hated her. Besides, she was thinking about pre-law at Columbia and becoming even a low level agent would involve more time than she would need.

Thankfully, Jane came through with an outside position as her assistant (SHIELD HR allowed for it. Besides, no one else could figure out Darcy’s filing system.) It meant she answered to Jane, not to anyone else. They had absconded off with Erik and Jane needed people who believed in her, not just people who nodded and kissed her ass. It worked out well for the two women. Darcy might have to come into SHIELD HQ in NYC now, but at least she could also do school and got to see her best friend every day AND get paid for it. Also, she got to poke the other SHIELD scientists, sometimes literally. It was an interesting change, that was for sure.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Darcy is established as the woman who guards the labs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same day as chapter 1! Yay me!

Darcy was sitting in front of her rather large corner desk, it was set just inside the door to the labs, you couldn’t get in without her seeing you and that was exactly why she’d put the desk there. Nevermind that the it was supposed to be Jane’s desk, the scientist was never going to use it. She much preferred to stand in cramped spaces and pace back and forth. Sitting was reserved for when she was running on zero sleep and 10+ cups of coffee. Darcy tried not to let it get that far, but sometimes it was beyond her. She simply couldn’t be in two places at once, though she was certainly trying. She had no problem scooting around SHIELD protocol and doing a couple online classes while sorting things to file-piles.

“Ms. Lewis.” Her favorite agent was standing before her. Darcy narrowed her eyes and as her red, red lips split into a wide smile.

“Hi, Phil.” She refused to call him Agent Coulson, a fact which seemed to throw a lot of the baby-agents, as she liked to call the younger set. 

“Is Dr. Foster available?” His pleasantly vague smile was pasted on his face, then again it always seemed to be pasted on his face. He rarely looked worried, or angry, or irritated. It was Darcy’s goal to change this. He might be winning her over by pausing at her desk every time he entered and treating her like the gatekeeper she’d appointed herself.

“It depends on what you want.” She pushed her glasses further up her nose and leaned back in her chair, her expression staying the same.

“I have a few questions regarding the reports on her current progress regarding the Einstein-Rosen bridge.” Phil told her, hands clasped neatly in front of him. She cocked her head to the side and stared at him for a moment, a bit amused that some of the office flunkies were scurrying away from the two. People seemed to assume he was going to ninja her into submission for being mouthy one of these days.

“Jane is busy. Thankfully the one that you really need is me.” She informed him, minimizing the essay she was doing on UN involvement in war over the last fifty years.

“I see.” Phil’s voice held no judgement, but a glance up at him showed Darcy the curious tinge of his eyes. His gaze had grown sharper, even if nothing else looked to have changed.

“You might.” Darcy allowed as she opened the reports in question. “Seeing as I file all of the progress reports for Jane, questions should be referred to me. Besides, all she’ll do is throw science at you and then go back to whatever number sequencing she’s been feverishly sifting through for the last four days.”

“Four days?” Coulson knew the significance of that number just as well as Darcy did. The brunette shrugged lightly, one more day and they’d been heading out on a field trip for some hard core experiments but Darcy didn’t know where.

“What were your questions?” Darcy pulled him back to the original topic, not allowing his concern over other matters to distract her.

It was an hour before Jane realized that Agent Coulson was in the labs. She spotted him with Darcy at the monstrous desk the younger woman had (thankfully) appropriated. She stared at them for a moment, looking at them as a stranger might. The young woman sitting cross legged in the office chair, thick dark curls tumbling out of a messy bun that was being held up with pens, oversized sweater and skinny jeans in stark contrast with the heavy black desk. The older man in his perfectly pressed dark gray suit, bland look on his face, shoes perfectly shined, tie perfectly tied. They were a study in contrasts really, his movements all small and precise, hers all large and haphazard. She was passion and he was control. An idle thought began to take root as she watched the two. She tucked it away for later and walked up to the two.

“I need more data. We have to go to Arizona.” Jane announced decisively. Darcy paused in the middle of whatever she’d been telling Phil and then opened a drawer and pulled out a folder, opening it and setting it in front of Jane.

“Here you go boss lady,” Darcy tugged a pen out of her bun and tossed it on top of the paperwork she’d filled out early that morning. Jane blinked and then stared pensively at Darcy, trying to figure out if it was bad to be so easy to read. The warm smile that spread across the younger woman’s face made her feel better and Jane scrawled her signature across all of them and added the destination to the top corner, leaving the rest for Darcy to finish filling out.

“I will put together your detail.” Agent Coulson didn’t nod or anything else, just spoke as though she should know this but he was reminding her just in case. Sometimes Jane wondered why someone so high up in the SHIELD food chain would deal so closely with her work, but since they wouldn’t give her the answers she wanted, she didn’t bother asking the questions.

“I won’t be going, I have a killer test I can’t miss.” Darcy informed them both. Coulson stared at Darcy a moment, his face didn’t change but she got the impression that he was surprised for some reason.

“Of course, I’ll email everything to you and we can video chat while you’re working.” Jane agreed, immediately placing school ahead of work that didn’t need to be done in person. Darcy frowned a moment and turned a look on Phil.

“Send your crew to me for final assignment duties.” She informed him, a look on her face that said clearly if he didn’t, she would track each of them down herself and that would be counter productive to whatever he wanted. Phil nodded once and walked out of the labs.

“Darcy?” Jane asked a moment later as the younger woman went back to whatever she’d been working on before Phil came in.

“Yeah?” Darcy glanced at the other woman and went back to her paper.

“Do you have a thing for Agent Coulson?” Jane asked, watching her friend closely. A faint pink stain appeared on her cheekbones.

“What? No! Why would you think that?” Darcy curled in on herself, her shoulders hunching in a defensive gesture. Jane frowned a bit, reactions like that weren’t healthy to a bit of good natured teasing. Jane sighed inaudibly and smiled at her friend.

“I don’t know, I must be seeing things.” She dismissed her reaction and felt a bit better when Darcy’s spine relaxed a bit. She’d let it go for now, but she would be watching.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy goes in for a quiet day at work and it isn't quite what she was expecting. She does make a new friend though! Well, sort of. Maybe? We'll see...

Darcy walked into the lab, coffee cup in hand, and sighed blissfully. She had at least three full work days to get caught up on everything she couldn’t do while Jane was under foot. It would be glorious. In fact …

“Glorious!” Darcy dropped everything but her coffee cup and raised her arms in the air, startling a couple of the office minions that weren’t invited on the field trip. She shot them unimpressed looks and gently set her coffee on her desk before picking up the things that had been spilled and dropping them back on the floor, but this time behind her desk.

It took the brunette an hour to finish what normal would have taken her the whole day, it was amazing what one could accomplish without a neurotic scientist underfoot. It might have also helped that she’d made task lists for those that hadn’t gone to Arizona. If they finished the work Jane gave them, they could start on her list. They might be super smart science people, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t do some of the menial tasks that needed doing. In the meantime, Darcy felt that she had earned another coffee. She locked her computer (and yes, 32 character passwords were required in her opinion,) and took a walk to the Starbucks half a block down.

“There has to be someone around here who knows what the hell is supposed to be going on!” The irritated voice coming from her domain sounded familiar, but Darcy couldn’t quite place it. She’d been gone less than twenty minutes and someone had invaded her labs and was now apparently harassing her minions. Rude. She hurried her pace, careful not to slosh her extra hot white mocha, but came to a complete stop in the doorway as she gazed at the irritated male who had yet to notice her.

“Why is Tony Stark making a mess of my filing?” Darcy’s voice was calm and her expression unimpressed. The two science people Tony was badgering looked relieved to see her, it was kind of nice actually. The man in question looked supremely offended, though.

“Making a mess? You can’t make a mess of things that have no actual order to begin with!” Tony informed her, waving a fist full of folders in the air. “What kind of scientists doesn’t know how to make a simple filing chart? Or at least a system that people can follow? If a genius can’t figure it out how do you expect the peons to figure it out?”

He was gesturing at the other two now and Darcy narrowed her eyes. She strode forward, dark look still on her face, and snatched the files out of the billionaires hands. She then dropped her gaze on the other two people who immediately rushed back to their own tables. The young woman turned back to the notorious genius, noting that he apparently approved of her bust considered the sudden smirk on his face as his gaze locked on the girls, and snapped her fingers in his face, making a gesture upwards. He raised an eyebrow in return.

“Firstly: There is a system. I know it and Jane knows it and SHIELD will spend a lot time trying, and failing, to know it. Secondly: Don’t abuse the minions. They are mine to keep in line so only I get to boss them about and only I should strike fear into their hearts at the quirk of an eyebrow. Thridly: You have all kinds of toys in your own lab, don’t mess up mine. Lastly: My science and your science are frienemies at best, all they do is look smile pretty in public and later stab each other in the backs. You aren’t supposed to understand mine and I don’t try to understand yours, doing so ends in badness and the kind of social decline that leads to reality television and hipsters.” She crossed her arms under her chest (not easy with files and a venti white mocha) as he pulled out what could have been a phone … with Stark, it was said, you never really knew. His gaze strayed to her breasts once more as he began to tap away at the the clear screen.

“You didn’t ask why I was here.” He noted, his tone a bit amused.

“That’s because I don’t care.” Darcy responded. She felt her lips quirk into a slight smile as she saw her own face appear on his phone as the two continued to stand in the middle of the lab.

“Darcy Lewis?” Tony asked a moment later, looking at her inquisitively.

“Why ask questions you already know the answer to?” She retorted immediately, eyes narrowed as she readied herself for some kind of game.

“Sometimes you don’t ask the question for yourself.” Tony shot back. Darcy grinned outright, kind of amused by the man. Besides, the cocky grin playing around his lips was kind of adorable.

“Good answer.” She shrugged and turned to walk back to her desk, sipping at her coffee and tossing the files down as she took a seat. Tony followed her, sitting on the edge of her desk as she unlocked her computer.

“Thank you. Also, political science isn’t real science. No quantifiable facts.” Tony replied, still scrolling.

“Mr. Stark don’t make me taze you, I will feel bad for the poor SHIELD schmuck that has to clean up a puddle of your drool.” Darcy informed him, her voice calm and even. She’d learned that trick from Phil. It freaked people out and kind of made her happy.

“You are the second person who has threatened to taze me. The last one had more style.” Tony flicked a hand through the air and then clicked a button on the phone and shoved it in his pocket.

“I’ll work on the delivery.” Darcy smiled sweetly without looking away from her computer.

“You speak scientist.” Tony’s comment made Darcy pause. She stopped what she was doing and turned her entire chair to face the man.

“I can translate midget-astrophysicist.” She corrected, eyeballing him carefully. He was up to something, he was Tony Stark for crying out loud! Why the hell else would he be there? Besides the need to harass Coulson, who was apparently Stark’s unofficial handler. At least that was the cafeteria gossip. Darcy tried to keep up on all the gossip, it was one of the ways to surprise all the special agents that wandered through trying to impress her and Jane. Darcy didn’t impress easily.

“Technically you aren’t qualified for it, but I need someone for a short term project that has the SHIELD clearance whatever that the suits are so enamored of.” Tony told her, his gaze locked on hers. She narrowed her eyes a bit.

“Technically I’m over-qualified for any paper-pushing that you are trying to con me into doing and I don’t work for SHIELD.” Darcy informed him, relaxing back into her chair as she decided that she liked the man in front of her. He was pushy and Darcy liked pushy people.

“We can quibble over qualifications later,” Tony waved a hand dismissively and Darcy was fairly sure it was because she was right and he’d just been testing her for some reason or another. “I am asking you because you don’t work for SHIELD Ms. Lewis.” Tony pulled out his phone … was it a tiny tablet? Darcy wasn’t actually sure but she knew that the little thump in her chest meant she wanted one.

“I don’t agree to things I don’t know the details of.” Darcy told him, eyes locked on the device in his hands as he suddenly pinched his fingers together and flicked his wrist. Suddenly all his information was on the screen in front of her and Darcy felt a smile spread across her face as she began reading, glancing sidelong at the now smug Tony Stark.

“Showing off to the other research departments rather than attending senatorial hearings?” A calm voice inquired. Darcy’s eyes were instantly drawn to the figure in the doorway, her smile turning playful.

“Just inquiring after inquiring minds, Agent.” Tony responded smoothly. He didn’t so much as look Darcy’s way as he stood up and smoothed his blazer.

“Dr. Foster is in the field at the moment-” Agent Coulson began before Darcy interrupted.

“She likes to go on walk-abouts when she has the time.” Darcy told Tony, a grin on her face as Coulson gave her version 1 of the “please don’t interrupt me” look. So far she had seen four versions of the look, none of which had actually stopped her from interrupting him. Even version 1 seemed to make other agents pause though, which she found pretty impressive.

“So long as she stays away from the peyote, it doesn’t mix well with science.” Tony winced dramatically, leaning against Darcy’s desk and sending her a wink. Coulson continued to stand in front of them, hands clasped in front of him with his usual pleasant mask in place. He was very good at waiting for people to finish so that he could continue with whatever he’d been on about. Most people didn’t make him wait as long as Darcy did, but it seemed like Tony was a fan of that game as well.

“Mr. Stark, I believe Ms. Potts is waiting for you.” Coulson informed them, cutting the game short. Tony stood up straight once more and huffed in slight irritation as he looked the special agent over.

“Fine.” The genius turned back to Darcy, “Read over the proposal, email me back. We can fit it around your classes,” He slipped a pair of sunglasses on and strode out the door with a nod to Coulson. Darcy watched after him, a bemused expression on her face.

“I like him.” She declared, a smile of satisfaction on her face. She had a feeling that if she said yes to whatever it was he wanted that she’d be dealing with him a lot. It would mean some interesting arguments and possibly electrocuting the man, but it could be a lot of fun.

“I was afraid of that.” Coulson responded after a moment. She looked over at him, eyebrows cocked in amusement. He gazed back at her, not blinking. She blinked first, she always blinked first. He was scary good at that game.

“What can I say, the dark side has better cookies.” She shrugged and smiled widely at the other man.

“You’re with SHIELD now, we have all the cookies.” He noted. Darcy tilted her head to the side.

“But he has all the cool toys.” She reminded him. Coulson cocked an eyebrow back at her and Darcy smirked back. They were silent for a few long moments before Coulson spoke again.

“Right. I will leave you to your work.” He turned and took two steps before Darcy called after him.

“Do you think Tony would make me a better tazer?” She yelled loudly enough that everyone in the lab heard her. Phil paused outside the door and turned his head to cock a single eyebrow. She blinked innocently back at him, giving him a slight shrug.

“Have a good afternoon, Ms. Lewis.” Phil told her, a hint of amusement on his voice that she could have totally just made up. She didn’t think so though. She waited until she couldn’t see him before calling out again.

“That wasn’t a no!” She chuckled as she pictured Phil shaking his head as he walked down the hall. He did that sometimes when he left their lab, people whispered about it. He was legend after all, so it was normal to talk about him and listen to rumors about him. At least that’s what she told herself. Thankfully she got a quick email from Jane letting her know she would be calling for video chat in ten minutes and to wrangle up some data from Israel.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony, Jane, Darcy, and Phil at the Labs.

“Gone for five days and you start cheating on me with an engineer?” Jane was waiting for Darcy when the younger woman walked into the lab. She was standing in front of the desk, feet planted and a pouty look on her face. Darcy grinned and handed her one of the coffee’s in her hand.

“I haven’t agreed to the tryst yet,” Darcy informed her, walking around her desk to take a seat. It was customary for Darcy to bring in a ‘special’ coffee for Jane on her first day back from a trip. Even if she’d been on the trip as well. There was a little shop between her crappy studio apartment in Harlem and HQ that sold the most divine Mexican Chocolate Mochas.

“God this is good. I hope you tip them well,” Jane moaned a bit as she took another sip of the mocha. She drank her coffee black for the most part, gulping it down because it gave her energy. The Mocha’s though, the mocha’s had to be savored.

“I leave a little bit of my soul for them every time. Soon they’ll own it completely.” Darcy assured the woman, waggling her eyebrows.

“That’s hardly even a decent tip as tainted as it is.” Jane informed the younger woman. Darcy stuck her tongue out and Jane reciprocated in kind.

“Ok, now lean toward each other slowly,” Tony said from the doorway. Darcy sent him an unimpressed look as Jane’s spine went ramrod straight.

“Mr. Stark.” The petite scientist bit out his name like it was some kind of curse. “How dare you try to steal my assistant?” She was holding the mocha close to her chest, but her free hand was pointing at him and her eyes were glaring daggers.

“Well I tried to buy her, but apparently there are anti-slavery laws in this country. Go figure.” Tony stepped further into the lab, complete unaffected by the other woman’s ire. He walked his fingers down Darcy’s desk before stopping behind her large monitor. He frowned as he leaned over it, staring at the screen. She flicked his forehead.

“You are not taking the best Office Administrator in this building! I refuse to let it happen!” Jane continued, stabbing her finger into the air to punctuate her angry words as Tony rubbed his forehead and turned to stare at her.

“What about time-sharing?” Tony offered, jerking back reflexively when Jane took an enraged gulp of air and stabbed her finger at him again.

“Do not make me pull this vehicle over!” Darcy snapped, not bothering to look up from her computer. Facebook was far more important that two mad scientists measure their metaphorical brain-junk to see who got custody of her.

“You can’t tell me what to do, you're not my real mom!” Tony immediately shot back.

“He started it!” Jane was still glaring at the man, but there was a smile playing on her lips.

“Ms. Lewis, would you like me to lock them in detainment until they’ve had a chance to think about what they’ve done?” Phil asked from the door. His presence drew her eyes and she felt the smile blossom on her face.

“Uh oh, Dad’s here.” Tony was suddenly standing at Jane’s side, an innocent look painted on his face.

“He’s a softie under the starched suits,” Jane shrugged. Tony feigned a shocked look.

“Brown nose!” He accused. She stuck her tongue out at him and he reciprocated the gesture.

“Alright. Enough.” Darcy shook her head, no longer smiling. Phil was watching her rather than the scientists, she didn’t like it. She had the feeling that he was judging her and finding her wanting, she hated failing. She didn’t look back up at him. Tony was frowning and looking at her but Jane stepped between them, using her itty bitty body as a rather effective shield.

“You can’t have her. She’s mine and I don’t share well.” Jane informed him, getting back to their original argument.

“Honesty. I like that.” Tony noted, his tone turning pleasant as he slipped an arm around the physicist’s shoulders and turned to face the rest of the lab. “Let me tell you what I would be willing to do for,” He was speaking softly as he guided a reluctant Jane through her own lab.

“Stark can be … difficult.” Phil commented a few moments later. He was still standing just inside the doorway, his hands clasped in front of him and his pleasantly bland “Agent” face on.

“Not many people say no to him, do they?” She asked, eyeing the way he was winning over her boss. He was certainly a force of nature. Tony reminded her of Thor, in a way. Both of them drawing attention, fille with energy and charisma, far more than either one of those men actually needed. She cut the comparisons off there, not wanting to spend time dwelling on the lost god that had somehow taken Jane’s heart in the few days he’d had to be with her.

“Not many people want to.” Phil replied. She glanced over at the Special Agent and felt a smile pull at her lips once more. Phil had charisma too, but his was a controlled force, like he could muffle it so that people didn’t notice all the time.

“I don’t want to say no either. Not this time, anyway.” She admitted. Phil nodded and handed a dark green folder to the young woman. She frowned and opened it, perusing the documents.

“Those are a copy of the rules given to Mr. Stark upon his request for a list of SHIELD contractors with the appropriate background and clearance level to help with his project.” Phil informed her. Apparently Tony wasn’t allowed to give her a dress code, it was number three of twenty seven.

“Why me?” Darcy asked a moment later, a frown tugging at her lips as she looked up at the man. The list was actually making her nervous rather than making her feel better. Most of it seemed to fall under the sexual harassment policies, something she didn’t want to deal with if she didn’t have to. If Tony picked her because of her rack ...

“You are the only person that qualified.” Phil had his head tilted to the side and he watched her face carefully while she pondered on that comment. Her big blue eyes lifted once more to his, a smile starting to grow on her face.

“Did you rig the test, boss-man?” She cocked a single eyebrow and Phil found himself smiling back at her.

“There was no test, I am not your boss, and we don’t actually have that many contractors. Most people buckle and join the agency. We have a wonderful benefits package.” He told her, a smug tone to his voice that made him seem almost playful.

“So you’re saying I’m made of tougher stuff than your men-in-black recruits.” Darcy leaned back, her arms crossed under her breasts as she smiled over at him.

“I would never say that where listening devices could record it.” Phil shot back. Darcy gave him an unimpressed look for that comment.

“Fine, but just so we’re clear? I get that agent with the bow and arrows in case of zombie apocalypse.” Darcy allowed.

“Please do not compare Agent Barton to Daryl Dixon where he could hear you.” Phil sighed lightly and started to imagine the things his best marksman would get up to with those ideas in his head. His sense of humor left a lot to be desired in an agency like SHIELD.

“That just makes me want to find him and tell him to his face.” Darcy replied instantly, her voice flat and her eyes dancing.

“I’ll make you file all the paperwork from the fallout.” Phil replied, his mouth tipped up at the corner again. He enjoyed bantering with the young woman, a woman far too young for himself. He did find himself visiting this level far more often since she joined though, and not always for actual reasons. He simply enjoyed her presence. He didn’t get to say that about many women, didn’t have time to contemplate anything else either considering his schedule.

“I think mom and dad are fighting.” Tony shattered the moment and Darcy blinked and turned her attention back to the two.

“Darcy, I think you should help Tony with his project. He’s changing the face of green energy for -” Jane’s earnest speech was cut off by the other woman.

“Did you bribe my mad scientist with shiny new ray guns?” Darcy demanded of Tony, her eyes blazing in outrage.

“Of course.” Tony smiled brightly at the girl and Darcy sighed, the game blown.

“They’d better be the shiniest ray guns this side of the Rainbow Brite Lights.” Darcy grumbled, not actually feeling at all put out. She’d decided to agree to the work already (partly because she wanted to get her hands on some Stark merchandise and she could get a discount this way.) Might as well get Jane some cool toys too.

“Mr. Stark, if you would follow me I have a few things to discuss about the Avengers Initiative with you,” Phil told Tony, his face falling back into the Agent look. Tony made the “call me” gesture to Darcy and then shoved his hands in his pockets and followed Phil out of the labs.

“Darcy, I think I ought to warn you,” Jane started. Darcy frowned and looked at her boss, she’d been watching Phil leave. She watched him a lot, which made her sound like a creepy stalker and wasn’t that just awesome?

“Warn me about what?” Darcy watched the tiny woman that had somehow become her best friend with wary interest.

“If he doesn’t come through with the equipment he promised me, I will destroy him.” Jane promised. Her face did look a little contrite, but that was mostly for show. You didn’t mess with Dr. Foster about her science. She’d take you out, her tiny little fists could hide a body better than most. She spent a lot of time in remote locations, after all.

“Noted. I’m more interested in knowing if this makes you my pimp, though.” Darcy told her as Jane turned to head deeper into the labs, science calling to her. She shook her head when all Jane did was wave, the shorter woman’s head already lost to clouds of genius thoughts. She had wasted too much time already and Darcy could tell she was going to have to make another coffee run for the good stuff to keep the woman going full steam.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Darcy contemplates the need for good relationships with HR.

“I would like to lodge a formal complaint.” The woman who stomped up to Darcy’s desk was completely red in the face and more than a little pissed off. The brunette raised an eyebrow and looked up and out at the lab for a moment, trying to figure out why someone would be complaining to _her_ of all people. She took a moment to look over the figure in front of her; snug pencil skirt, form fitted top showing more than a hint of cleavage, perfect makeup, and sleek bun. She wanted attention. 

“And why did you come to me?” Darcy asked, unimpressed by the woman. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back in her chair. It was her battle-ready position. The minions in the lab could have told the woman if she’d bothered talking to anyone before stomping into Darcy’s lair. Darcy wasn’t easily intimidated.

“Because it was _your_ personnel who gutted my machines!” The woman shrieked, holding up a hand full of what looked like wires. Darcy stared at them blankly for a moment and then looked back at the woman’s face.

“I have no idea what you are talking about, but I will find out for you. Please send me a detailed email listing what is missing, when it went missing, who exactly is responsible, and how it can be fixed.” Darcy stood up and smoothly walked around the desk, gently taking the abused wires from the woman’s hands and setting them down on her desk.

“I’m very sorry this happened. Did you ask them to stop?” Darcy asked, wide brown eyes warm with false sincerity. The woman was now losing steam, she didn’t know what to do in the face of this empathy.

“I didn’t actually see them.” The woman began. Darcy kept her face locked in an understanding smile as she led the woman out the door and slowly down the hall. 

“Oh, so someone else saw and let you know. That was nice of them.” Darcy nodded, her mind already racing through possibilities. 

“Oh, well no,” The woman’s brows furrowed and Darcy paused as she stepped back and placed a gentle hand on the older woman’s shoulder.

“Well, I’m sure we’ll figure out what happened to all of it and set it to rights.” Darcy assured her. The woman nodded decisively, pulling herself up.

“Thank you, Ms. Lewis, I appreciate it.” The woman turned and walked the rest of the way down the hall and Darcy headed back to the labs once more. 

“Neatly done.” Phil materialized beside her with his ninja skills. Darcy was proud of herself for not twitching, she hadn’t seen him lurking or she might have been more circumspect about things.

“Scientists are easy.” She shrugged a bit and he followed her into the labs and paused in front of her desk as she walked around it to take a seat. 

“I take it Dr. Foster has been appropriating things for her equipment?” Phil inquired as Darcy logged onto her computer once more. 

“Knowing it and proving it are two _very_ different things, Phil.” A smirk played around the corners of her mouth and her eyes took on a mischievous glint. Phil felt a responding smile pull at his own lips, a twinkle growing in his eyes. 

“If I went back to see how Dr. Foster is coming with her work?” Phil kept the game going, and Darcy batted her eyes up at him, smiling sweetly. 

“Would you understand half of what she said?” The girl shot back, arms folded on the desk as she leaned forward a touch. Phil’s eyes dipped to her cleavage for a nanosecond and Darcy smiled a bit more. 

“Would Dr. Morgan be able to pinpoint which parts were originally hers?” Phil asked casually, eyes locked on hers once more. 

“I guess I should go check, shouldn’t I?” Darcy cocked a single eyebrow and stared at him, not budging. 

“Well then I will leave it to you,” Phil nodded once and headed out the door. Darcy waited a full five minutes before deciding if he was still hiding out there like a badass ninja she’d just have to deal with being followed. 

“Jane!” She shouted as she moved deeper into the lab, cutting around various large instruments of mental torture. She spotted the one she wanted, minor minions slipping out of her way, and stalked forward with a frown.

“Darcy, I need those wire cutters over there,” Jane told the younger girl, twisting something with one hand and gesturing vaguely with the other. Darcy looked around and spotted the items her midget scientist wanted and passed them over.

“What have I told you about going Frankenstein on equipment that isn’t yours?” Darcy demanded, hands going to her hips.

“Don’t get caught.” Jane passed the wire cutters back and the younger girl cocked an eyebrow.

“Then why was Dr. Morgan yelling at me?” She demanded in a flat voice. The scientist paused and looked over her shoulder, frowning in thought.

“She can’t prove anything, there’s no evidence. The camera’s in the lab all went out for some reason.” She dismissed the other woman’s worry with the flick of a hand and Darcy rolled her eyes. Ok, so lack of eyes was taken care of.

“Will she be able to pinpoint what you are using which was once hers?” Darcy asked, her voice dry as a desert.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Nothing in here belongs to Dr. Morgan, not that she’d know real science if it bit her in the ass. She can come inspect whatever she likes, maybe she’ll learn something.” That was Jane’s version of a dismissal and an assurance that anything which may have left the other labs wouldn’t be labeled as such. 

“I don’t know why I put up with you,” Darcy shouted over her shoulder as she walked back to her desk.

“Because you love me!” Jane shouted back, not looking away from whatever she was tinkering with. Darcy felt the grin tug at her lips and and settled into her chair. The email from Dr. Morgan was already in her inbox and she’d have to placate the woman somehow. That or foist if off on HR. The young woman pondered it for a moment, running through likely scenarios in her head, and then chose option two. She’d send the email and her response to HR regarding the egregious claims the other physicist was making against Jane. 

As soon as Darcy had sent off the email five more took it’s place. Thankfully most of them could be ignored, but there was an interesting one from Stark Industries HR department. She’d have to make an attempt not to be an evil mastermind with them, she needed at least one department on her side. Clicking the email open the young woman noted not one, but _four_ file attachments and glowered at the screen. That was going to be a lot of paperwork for a part time gig.

Maybe she really should look into becoming a full time villain. Tony might need an arch nemesis


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darcy's introduction to working with Tony

She was going to hurt him and she was going to enjoy it.

So far Darcy had been given a tour of three different labs, the directions to every ladies room on every floor, the list of meetings he would not be attending, and had no idea what all she was actually supposed to be doing. When she’d signed all the paperwork with Josie Winters, Human Resources Representative for new hires at SI, the woman had almost seemed sorry for her. Now she knew why. Too bad Stark hadn’t done his homework on Darcy’s psych evals. She had a taser and she was going to use it. On him preferably.

“JARVIS, you seem like a cool dude, but I have a midget astrophysicist I will let rip out all your insides to make a pretty new telescope if you don’t take me to Tony _right now_.” Darcy informed the AI through gritted teeth. 

“Right away, Ms. Lewis,” The AI responded instantly, his tone just a touch regretful. She narrowed her eyes a bit as she decided this was all part of Tony’s game. Yes, he would definitely be going down, painfully, and if that battery-powered heart of his gave out for a few moments, well, he brought it on himself.

An elevator door opened up before her and Darcy stepped into it. It rose three floors and stopped. She could feel a bass rhythm pulse through the floor and followed the noise down the hall to a lab with glass doors. It figured, even if he didn’t want people IN the room with him, he still wanted them to stop and admire his work. Asshole. She walked up to the door and pressed a hand against the panel, waiting impatiently for it to scan her imprint. When “access denied” flashed above the panel she closed her eyes and forced herself to relax the muscles in her back which had gone rigid.

“JARVIS, I believe I am supposed to have access to all of Tony’s labs.” Darcy announced, eyes staring at the stupid panel as she attempted to burn holes through the mechanism with her mind.

“Ah yes, please try once more. Everything she be working properly.” The cultured voice assured her.

“When I walk through that door I would like the music turned down low enough I can speak to Tony without having to raise my voice. Please see to it.” Darcy continued before placing her palm on the panel once more. When the door slid open the music turned down and Tony paused what he was doing to stare at the ceiling in confusion. Darcy, having not been noticed yet, picked up a half empty water bottle and threw it at the man’s ass.

“Hey!” Tony twisted around, hand rubbing his butt as he frowned incredulously at the girl who was glaring at him. “What the hell was that for?”

“If you brought me here to play games with me, I don’t want the job.” Darcy informed her, arms crossed under her chest.

“Play games? I’m not sure I’m following, Lewis,” Tony informed her, walking around whatever it was he was working on so that he could continue working without his back to her.

“Don’t try that with me, Stark. You are one of the smartest people on the planet, you are following my line of irritation just fine.” She snarled back. Tony cocked an eyebrow and looked over at her, taking in the leggings and sneakers, the man’s shirt belted in at the waist, the oversized sweater hanging open over the top. She was certainly not Pepper, but that was kind of nice.

“I simply meant I thought _you_ were smarter than most. Why would I bring you in just to mess with you, when I can do that with any peon HR sends up?” Tony asked, his voice calm. He frowned a moment later. “And a water bottle, seriously?”

“I don’t know you, Stark. All I have to go on are rumors and innuendo and the pity your poor HR lady was handing to me by the bushel. If this was a test, fuck you I’m awesome. If this was you playing games, fuck you I’m awesome _and_ you’re an ass.” Darcy informed him.

“Is throwing things going to be a regular form of communication with you?” Tony asked, eyeing the water bottle Dum-E was now picking up. Darcy glanced over at it and then back at Tony.

“If it works.” She shrugged a single shoulder and stared at him, daring him to tell her not to. The man cocked his head and nodded.

“All right, tomorrow, say noonish, I’ll give you a tour of the labs and tell you what I need from you.” Tony told her. She stared for a moment and then huffed.

“Fine, but if you make me regret this I am tasing your ass.” She informed him, stabbing a finger in his direction before twirling around and stomping out of the lab. She had half an hour to get back to Jane.

“I like her,” the tone was pleasantly amused and followed by the sound of clicking heels on cement. Pepper Potts walked past Tony to take the water bottle from Dum-E and set it on the table, the poor robot kept dropping it again.

“I knew you would.” Tony agreed, soldering calmly.

“I should have thrown things at you.” Pepper commented, staring in the direction the girl had disappeared.

“I would have considered it foreplay.” Tony countered. Pepper glanced back at him, fondness filling her face.

“You know, I think I could use a shower, it’s mighty dirty down here.” Pepper admitted after a moment. Tony’s head snapped up, his eyes wide. He turned off his equipment and tossed it onto the tool table before grabbing Pepper’s hand and rushing toward the back elevator which led to their penthouse, the redhead’s laughter surrounding the two of them.

Darcy stomped out of the building and paused at the friendly, smiling man standing outside a black town car and staring at her expectantly. She glanced behind her with narrowed eyes. The she looked left and right, just for good measure, before she took another step forward. The man opened the car door and nodded at her.

“What are you doing?” She asked after a few more moments, looking at him suspiciously as she dropped a hand into the giant bag she used to haul around all the things that kind of owned her soul. Her fingers touched cool plastic in a familiar shape.

“I’m Happy, Mr. Stark and Ms. Potts’ driver. Mr. Stark said you needed a ride to your next appointment.” He told her, pulling out his official SI badge and showing it to her, his smiling face on the upper portion of the card. She gazed at it before giving him another distrustful once-over.

“Beats the subway.” Darcy announced a moment later, climbing into the back of the car and looking around her curiously. She was still pissed off, but she now had buttons to press so it was a little better. The brunette in the back of the car gleefully stabbed her finger against every button and switch she found as Happy chuckled to himself and drove to SHIELD. She pulled at all the cushions, looking for secret compartments and hidden ejector mechanisms.

“Ms. Potts wouldn’t ride in a car with ejector seats, Miss Lewis.” Happy informed her when she commented on it. She looked at his smiling face through the rearview mirror.

“Afraid she’d use it on him?” She asked, a dark smile on her face as she imagined _herself_ doing just such a thing. Happy glanced back and spotted the look on her face.

“Yes.” He informed her with a shake of his head and a soft sigh. The Boss wasn’t exactly known for making a friends, but this one seemed like a good kid. Certainly knew how to give as good as she got, if Tony’s cryptic remark about not letting her take any of the water bottles was something to go on.

“She’s a better woman than me.” Darcy announced decisively as the car came to a stop in front of the nondescript building which housed part of a secret government agency.

“Don’t sweat the little stuff Miss Lewis, it’s not really worth it and Mr. Stark doesn’t really mean it.” He assured her, leaning an arm out of the window to give her the encouraging words. Darcy turned and bestowed him with a bright smile.

“Call me Darcy, Happy. I think we’re going to be friends.” She informed him. She gave him one last sassy salute and turned to skip up the stairs to the front door as the man chuckled once more and headed back to SI.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which scientists are basically very large toddlers and Darcy and JARVIS are their keepers.

“Long day?” The pleasant and rather mild voice did not stop Darcy from jerking in surprise. The fact that she jerked _away_ from the voice and had a stapler in her hand ready to be thrown was not something she cared to discuss. Especially not with the intrigued glance Agent Coulson was now giving the office item. 

“Very.” She told him, setting the stapler back down on her desk and taking off her glasses so she could rub her eyes. She’d been working with Stark for a little over two weeks at this point and the man was completely mad, as far as she was concerned. Mad, but still a genius and highly entertaining for the most part. You would never be bored if Tony was around. You certainly never wanted to _admit_ to being bored in Tony’s presence, anyhow. He’d be all too happy to get you unbored. 

“I have some paperwork for Dr. Foster from HR, apparently they are now avoiding this entire floor.” The agent raised both eyebrows and fixed Darcy with an inquisitive stare. A sly smile spread across her lips as she held out a hand for the thin folders Phil was holding in front of him. 

“I think they’re gearing up for the next attack, regrouping.” She set the folders off to the side, unwilling to open them in front of the other man. She got a kind of unholy glee out of reading the requests from HR. Some of them she complied with and others she ignored for a few weeks until she got a second request and sent out a response informing them of how regretful she was that she hadn’t explained to them right away why this was never going to happen. 

“You are aware, of course, that everyone in the HR department is also an Agent of SHIELD and as such knows how to shoot a gun with some level of accuracy.” Phil informed her after a moment, the hint of a smile at the corners of his mouth. Darcy arched a brow at him, unimpressed by the threat as she went back to typing up whatever report she’d been working on before he came in.

“You are aware, of course, I am friends with JARVIS? He’s basically Skynet with a British accent.” She informed him, positive the AI would win if faced off with the HR team. She would also have a new taser very soon, upgraded by Tony in an effort to appease her when he’d made her angry a few days before. 

“You aren’t the first to make that analogy.” Phil remarked after a moment’s pause. She was the second, to his knowledge. The first had been Clint. The two of them would never spend time together if he could help it. They could simply know _of_ one another in the most casual of ways. 

“If I asked him nicely to locate a deserted island and fill it with nothing but filing cabinets and early 90’s Pop CD inserts to file alphabetically according to production company and then the bands greatest hit, I’m pretty sure he’d do it.” Darcy continued, a bright smile on her face. Phil cocked a single eyebrow at her, a smile playing around his lips. He’d have to remember that one for later. 

“So things with Stark are proceeding without incident?” Phil changed the subject rather than giving her more ideas. The faint smile turned into a faint frown at the sudden contemplative look in her eyes. He’d had a feeling Darcy and Stark together could be a problem on multiple levels.

“No incidents we couldn’t roll with.” Darcy agreed after a moment, her smile bright with humor. Sure a few things had blown up and she’d taught the robots how to do the Cuban Shuffle, but that was pretty much all in a days work. Also, Pepper thought dancing robots were adorable even if Tony was _Not Impressed_. His daddy voice was hysterical, even more hysterical was the look on his face when you called it the daddy voice. 

“No scheduling difficulties?” He was mildly concerned as she now had _two_ extremely demanding managers who put their work before all else (personal hygiene included).

“Nope. Thing Him and Thing Her are happily sharing for the moment. The second they start acting up though, I’m putting them right back in their box.” She informed him, holding a finger in the air as her eyes traced across her computer screen. 

“If you start speaking in rhymes I will be forced to put you on down time.” Coulson was giving her the single arched brow, it was his “I’m a little bit amused, but I’m still kind of serious so don’t push me” look. 

“Is that so?” As with all his other warnings (verbal and nonverbal alike,) Darcy seemed to take it as some sort of suggestion. The contemplative gleam in her eyes as she paused what she was doing almost made the agent in front of her sigh. She was a handful and only likely to get worse the more time she spent amongst the geniuses she was apparently collecting. 

“Yes.” His voice was firm as he stared at her for a moment. Why she wasn’t the least bit thrown by him he didn’t know, but it was interesting. She had her quirks, as people do, and many of them echoed back to the way she had been raised, but it was her base personality which made her strangely fearless. 

“I’ll keep it in mind.” She promised, big blue eyes blinking at him in a manner which was supposed to seem innocent. Phil fought the urge to smile and nodded once. 

“I’ll be on my way. Have a nice afternoon, Ms. Lewis.” Phil was leaving and Darcy turned back to her computer with an amused smile, still not bothering to look at the files he’d brought her from HR. It was quiet in the labs for the next hour or so, leading her to finish what she was doing and start worrying about what her scientists might be getting up to without proper supervision. She was just standing up to check on them when a loud crash sounded throughout the rooms. 

“Darcy!” Jane’s voice was one part peevish, one part embarrassed, and one part irritated as she shouted for the younger woman. She was fine. 

“This is why we can’t have nice things!” Darcy shouted back, moving around her desk to go survey the damage. 

“Well if Stark had gotten me the equipment he promised we wouldn’t be in this mess!” Jane shouted back, kicking at what was left of … something. It measured light waves between star systems or something like that. Darcy didn’t bother attempting to understand. 

“So this is all Tony’s fault?” Darcy cocked an amused eyebrow at her friend, leaning her hips back against a table and gripping the edges loosely in her hands. It was one of her favored positions when dealing with Jane in the lab, it gave her something to push off of if she needed to dive for cover and gave her something to lean on if she felt like her mind was going to explode with everything her best friend and boss expected her to understand. 

“Yes!” Jane’s shout was immediate and her eyes were wide with manic determination of some sort. Obviously the woman hadn’t actually slept last night. Probably not the night before that either, the way she was vibrating in place. Darcy stifled a sigh and then smiled calmly as the smaller woman kicked aside some kind of bolt. 

“Take the afternoon off. Shower, eat, sleep. I will know if you do not.” She pushed off the table to snag the scientist’s elbow and steer her toward the table she tended to toss her things on. 

“But-” Darcy held up a single finger to silence the other woman. 

“No. You obviously cannot be trusted to do sane super science at the moment and I need to go talk to a robot about a man so we can get you your shiny ray guns.” The younger woman let go of Jane’s arm and watched as she slowly gathered up her things, allowing Jane to smuggle a small hand held something. Whatever it was, she didn’t know what it did and most assuredly didn’t _want_ to know. She followed the other woman out of the lab and past her own desk, watching from the doorway as the petite genius made her way to the elevators. As the silver doors closed and Jane was no longer visible, Darcy turned around and stalked to her desk. No way was she fighting midtown traffic at this time of day. 

Darcy set her Stark Tablet against the edge of her monitor and called Tony’s “House Phone” which really just meant she was calling Jarvis.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a kidnapping attempt, a minor heart to heart, and Coulson might have been likened to Batman.

“Ok. one more.” Darcy agreed, chuckling low in her throat. She wasn’t a girl that giggled, the noises she made were deep and robust, noises that went straight down the spine and made you look her way even if you didn’t know her. It wasn’t something Darcy had ever taken notice of, but it was something Jane enjoyed about her friend. 

“Bartender, one more round!” Jane announced, throwing her arms up in the air and laughing when the man shook his head, but starting mixing their drinks. The younger woman had been able to drag the scientist out of her lair early, because Tony had brought shiny new machines he needed to hook up and calibrate properly. He wouldn’t let Jane help so Darcy had suggested drinks and Tony had advised lesbian lechery should be fully documented should it occur. 

They were brought large, electric green drinks in large clear glasses and Darcy laughed as Jane tried to say “hulk smash” in a deep voice. Jane was a ridiculous drunk, extremely excitable and all her emotions turned up to ten. If she was happy, she was fucking ecstatic. If she was angry, she was a vicious demon. There was no middle ground with the petite genius. 

“Seriously, though, this is the last one.” Darcy reminded the other woman, lifting it and taking a sip as she watched her friend down half the glass in one very long pull. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to get up early and fix all Tony’s mistakes anyway.” Jane agreed, waving a hand as she lifted her glass and finished it off. She turned her brown eyes to Darcy’s own glass and then lifted her eyebrows expectantly. The younger woman laughed and tipped her head back to drain the glass as Jane went to close their tab. 

The last drink hit her pretty hard, the Hulk Smasher was like that though. Sweet and yummy and fully capable of knocking you on your ass. Which, really, was like a perfect melding of Bruce Banner and Hulk, even if most people didn’t realize it. The two women stumbled out of the bar, laughing at themselves and who knew what else. Darcy led the way to Jane’s apartment, the both of them rambling about whatever came to mind first and then moving on immediately. 

Darcy was just coming down the stairs at the front of Jane’s third floor walk up when it happened. A windowless van skidded to a stop and three men piled out. Darcy was feeling a bit off already, all that alcohol had fully hit her on the way home. She couldn’t have split off from Jane though, the scientist would have thought of something brilliant and headed back to the office for drunk science. It was the worst kind of science though, and usually led to things blowing up and magical mathematics which made no sense in the real world. 

“Doctor Foster, we will need you to come with us.” One of the men announced, standing in front of her. Looming, she was pretty sure that was the word which would describe him best at the moment. Also he was calling her by the wrong name. She worked with Doctor Foster, true enough, but she was Darcy Lewis. Completely different. 

“I don’t want to go with you.” Darcy informed them immediately, deciding she would need to figure out how to talk them out of whatever plan they had without actually telling them she wasn’t Jane. Jane was about three sizes smaller and had a far less substantial rack. Her hand   
dropped into her purse and she felt around for the hard plastic carapace of Big Bertha, her favorite Tazer. 

“I understand, however I will still need you to come with us.” The man who had been talking continued. Darcy didn’t move, instead she hit the panic button she had been issued once she’d started working for Jane. One of the goons came up the stairs, as though to drag her back down and into the van, and Darcy flipped the switch on the side of her tazer, letting it charge for a moment before the guy was on the step with her. Then she stabbed the metal prongs into his chest and watched him jerk and collapse onto the stone steps, his head bouncing painfully. 

“I’m really not digging this scenario, like at all.” Darcy commented, her hand still clutching the tazer as she stared at the man who had been talking, her mouth pressed into a thin line. He was kind of fuzzy. So much for the myth that sudden adrenaline could sober you up. She was definitely just this side of drunk still. 

“I was afraid you’d say that.” The man sighed, like she was being some kind of recalcitrant child or something. He pulled a small gun and lifted it, pointing the barrel at her and pulling the trigger without a second thought. The young woman’s eyes widened as she waited for the pain, but it didn’t really come. She looked down and spotted the tiny dart which was now sticking out of her arm. 

“Rude.” She announced decisively, pulling out the dart and tossing it aside as the other big man came up the steps, he knocked aside her arm as she tried to taze him, so she kicked him in the shin instead. It wasn’t much of a deterrent apparently and her tazer was now dying. One short zap which made the man wince was all she got before she was backhanded, the tazer falling from her fingers. She slapped him back, something he apparently wasn’t expecting. Darcy wasn’t exactly a delicate little flower though, and she certainly wasn’t going to put up with some guy thinking he could smack her around. 

“Quickly, Gustav.” The other man was still standing calmly beside the van, holding the door open. A wide arm wrapped around her midsection as her vision started to go grey at the edges. 

“Gustav? Seriously? Did your parents hate you?” Darcy slurred, slamming her head backwards and kicking her heels into his legs. The big man didn’t say anything, just attempted to toss her in the back of the van. It would have worked better if she had been unconscious. Instead she kicked the talking man in the face as three unmarked black cars surrounded the van and she managed to slam her foot down onto the top of the big man’s knee cap, feeling it move beneath her foot just before the big man dropped to the pavement, still gripping Darcy. 

“Let go of me!” She shouted,. wiggling and managing to knock an elbow into Gustav’s face as he attempted to grab his knee, despite the not at all petite woman wiggling around, still in his arms. There were a few long, confusing moments where she wasn’t sure if he was trying to hold her still or get away from her, but then hands were pulling Gustav away and different hands were pulling her the opposite direction. She slapped at them for a moment.

“Ms. Lewis.” Coulson was in front of her and Darcy blinked her eyes, swaying a bit on her feet. 

“He shot me.” She frowned as she pointed behind her, not in the actual direction of the man who had shot her. 

“We have the gun. You are unlikely to be conscious for much longer.” Coulson was continuing, his face not looking at all amused. Darcy frowned, thoroughly confused and knowing she shouldn’t be. It simply wasn’t all that complicated. 

“And it was such a nice night, too.” She frowned, not even realizing her legs had crumpled beneath her and Coulson had darted forward, holding her against his shoulder as he called for the gurney. Apparently there was an ambulance nearby as well. She’d missed that. 

“You’re pretty ripped under these suits, aren’t you?” Darcy grinned, running a finger down the front of Coulson’s shirt as he raised an eyebrow and helped one of the medics get her onto the gurney. She was out before they had started strapping her in and Phil smoothed a hand down the front of his shirt. She wasn’t likely to remember their brief interlude, so he allowed himself a brief, smug smirk. He _was_ pretty ripped under his suits. Perk of the job. 

The next morning Darcy opened her eyes in a brightly lit, all white room. Why she was in the infirmary she wasn’t sure of at first, but a few minutes later she remembered hitting Thing One with 900 volts and watching him fall down hard on the stone steps of Jane’s building. After that things were kind of blurry. All she knew at the moment was her head hurt, but not from a hangover. She spotted the banana bag a moment later, the line attached to her wrist. Probing fingers found a nice sized knot on the side of her head, no idea what that was from, though she had some pretty bruising and scrapes on the knuckles of her right hand. 

“Ms. Lewis.” Coulson was standing in the door of her room, looking calm and collected as usual. 

“Hey Phil.” She responded in her usual flippant manner.”Glad you got the bat signal.” she told him with a smile. Phil quirked an eyebrow.

“In this scenario, I would be Batman?” He asked for clarification as he stepped into the room. 

“You do have the cool cars. Tony’s a bit too ostentatious to be Batman, anyway.” Darcy went on, trying to figure out how to make the bed go up. Phil stepped forward and pulled up the remote, attached by a chord to the side of the bed. 

“The men were after Dr. Foster, apparently.” Phil commented, standing at the foot of the bed as Darcy fiddled with the buttons. 

“Yep. She was drunk though, no bueno to receive guests in that state.” Darcy responded, shrugging with one shoulder. 

“And they thought you were she.” Phil continued.

“Apparently it isn’t easy getting good minions these days.” Darcy screwed her face up into a mask of mock disappointment. The corner of Phil’s mouth twitched up in amusement. 

“And you used your tazer to take down one of the men.” Phil went on.

“A girl’s gotta do, what a girl’s gotta do.” Darcy sighed, shrugging one shoulder. “Besides, that’s about where shit gets all blurry. Well, more blurry. I was drunk too.”

“So we discovered.” Phil’s voice was dry as a desert and Darcy chuckled, not at all embarrassed. 

“I’m still badass, doesn’t matter if I’m drunk or not.” She mentioned. 

“Yes, there was a security camera, we have record of the entire incident.” Phil might have been indulging the science assistant a bit, but there was no one there to call him on it so it didn’t really matter. He enjoyed that she was tough. Far tougher than others might have thought. 

“Awesome, I’ll totally need a copy of it for movie night.” Darcy mentioned, her lips smirking, but a dark look in her eyes. She might not be as dismissive as she first appeared. 

“Have you ever seen those men before tonight?” Phil continued. The Agent had his hands clasped in front of him and Darcy tilted her head, staring at the man for a moment. This wasn’t a “how are you” visit, this was a “I have a report to write” visit. Good to know where she stood. 

“No.” She responded, her voice going a bit colder. He continued, asking questions (and repeating them with different wording as though she was some idiot who wouldn’t notice) and then he thanked her and went on his merry way. Darcy realized that Phil was treating her the way he treated everyone else and that repeating the questions was more to help jog memories than anything else, but she was still irritated. 

She lay in the bed for an hour or so longer, long enough for the banana bag to empty, and then she unhooked herself and got dressed. The infirmary wasn’t a real hospital and they could suck it for all she cared. She needed a shower. Darcy left SHIELD, but instead of heading home she found herself heading to Stark Industries. She didn’t want to be home right now. Her dingy little apartment with it’s cracked window and the hookers upstairs wasn’t a place she wanted to go while still feeling a bit wobbly. Not literally, of course, just emotionally. 

She didn’t realize what kind of a picture she must make at the moment. Wandering into the lobby at half past five in the morning, a bruise blossoming across her cheek bone, more on her arms and hands, eyes bloodshot, skin more pale than usual, hair a complete mess. She had her special badge though, and used it to get onto the special elevator and head straight for the master’s workshop.

“Miss Lewis, you are early this morning.” JARVIS mentioned as the doors slid shut and the elevator began to climb. 

“It’s been a weird night.” Darcy responded after a moment. The doors slid open and she stepped out, pausing in the hall as she debated what she should do first this morning. She started off on paperwork, it tended to pile up pretty quickly when Tony was in an inventing kind of mood. Which led her to noting how dirty her desk was. JARVIS advised her of the location of cleaning supplies so she could clean her desk which quickly morphed into cleaning her little corner of the room. Then she cleaned the entire room. At that point she was on a roll and she just went with it. 

Five hours later Tony came into his lair and stopped dead in his tracks, frowning at the floor. The faint residue of engine oil was no longer making the floor shiny. He stayed slightly bent over as his gaze travelled across the rest of his domain. Everything was sparkling. It was clean. It was tidy. It was _neat_.

“JARVIS, didn’t I tell the custodians I would have them deported if them came into my workshop.” Tony remarked after a long moment.

“Indeed, Sir, however Stark Industries does not employ anyone without the proper credentials and as such deportation is a highly unlikely scenario.” JARVIS responded smoothly, his voice echoing through the pristine walls of Tony’s happy place. 

“Why were they in here.” His voice was puzzled rather than offended. JARVIS wouldn’t have let them in, which meant Pepper had to have been the one to do it. 

“This was actually the work of Ms. Lewis.” JARVIS informed him after a moments pause.

“Lewis?” Tony asked, pondering that for a moment and coming up blank. 

“Apparently it was a weird night.” The AI continued. The billionaire’s eyes snapped around the area again, noting the now clean corners which had been accumulating dust bunnies for almost a year.

“Where is she?” 

“The kitchenette, cleaning the refrigerator, Sir.” JARVIS informed Tony. The genius was moving quickly through the area, a frown fixed to his face as his mind raced through all kinds of possibilities, none of which were pleasant, of what could have happened last night. He found his curvy part-time assistant on her knees in front of the refrigerator with a bucket of water and a rag, all of the former contents of the fridge now sitting on the counter as she wiped down the shelves. 

“What did the dirt ever do to you?” Tony demanded after carefully leaning against the door jam and tucking his hands in his pockets. It wouldn’t do to seem worried. Darcy started, turned quickly, her eyes wide and her hand raised as though she would chuck the rag at him should he make a wrong move. 

“Tony.” She blinked, her tone confused as her hand lowered. The man in question was across the room in three long strides, crouching in front of her and staring hard at the mark on her jaw. 

“I have a private jet and won’t ask any questions should you need it for a few hours to dump a very large and oddly shaped bag of garbage somewhere out of the way.” He informed her, turning his brown eyes to her blue ones. She blinked again.

“They are in SHIELD custody at the moment. No bodies to hide.” Darcy informed him after the few moments it took her to figure out what the hell he was talking about. 

“Not yet.” Tony replied, standing up abruptly. She was obviously in shock. Pupils wide, a sudden zest for bleaching surfaces, lack of pithy rejoinders. If he didn’t recognize the signs of trauma he would be disappointed. Thankfully he did, and it wasn’t just the bruises which tipped him off. 

“I’m almost done. I’ll start coffee in a minute.” She told him, turning back to the fridge. Tony frowned, looking over at the empty coffee pot. It was bad if she hadn’t been drinking her life’s blood this early in the morning. He didn’t respond, instead letting her finish the fridge as he grabbed the coffee beans and dumped them in the grinder. He could make his own damn coffee. 

“They wanted Jane, they thought I was Jane.” Darcy said a moment later, half inside the fridge. Tony glanced at her from the corner of his eye, pretending nonchalance. 

“Your rack is far more impressive.” Tony commented as she continued with silence for a few moments. It got a snort of amusement, she was now used to his lecherous remarks. 

“I didn’t correct them.” Darcy responded. 

“You’re a solid friend, Lewis.” Tony remarked gruffly, clearing his throat as he poured water into the pot and pressed the ‘on’ button. He turned and spotted big blue eyes staring at him and slowly filling with tears. What did one do when a girl was about to cry? Call Pepper! No, Pepper was in Dubai. Instead he stared at her with trepidation on his face, leaning back a bit without realizing it. Darcy gave a huff of laughter, recognizing the signs of a man fearing for his life. She might be in an odd state of mind, but she could recognize the ridiculousness of the situation. 

“I lost my favorite tazer.” She told him sniffing and clearing her throat. She wouldn’t cry. She was tough. 

“I’ll make you a new one, a better one.” Tony promised, watching her warily as she stood up and began putting things back in the fridge. They continued in silence, Tony out of arm's reach as she finished refilling the fridge and the coffee finished brewing.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Darcy gets self defense lessons. Sort of.

Coulson had given her three days of recovery. Now he was issuing self defense lessons and Jane was apparently in agreement. Something about Darcy stupidly risking herself for the doctor, and scaring her out of her wits. Not that Jane had known anything until the next day. Even so, the petite scientist was not at all amused. 

Darcy cracked her neck and scrubbed her hands over her face as she stood in the locker room. Like she didn’t have enough to do already with school, Jane, and Tony. Now there was extra stuff. When was she supposed to sleep? The brunette sighed and dropped her hands to her side. She hadn’t slept much the last few days. This could be good. This could give her confidence. Not only that, but she had to stop hiding in Tony’s work rooms, JARVIS was going to start telling on her. 

The young woman walked slowly out of the room, following the few other women who were apparently in her class. They all apparently had some muscle definition already and were rather slim, compact even. Darcy, by comparison, was not. She wasn’t fat by any means, but being the only curvy gal in a room of twigs could be tough on a girls confidence. Even one who usually worked the curves as well as Darcy Lewis. 

This was not a beginners class. Her blue eyes widened as she looked around for a moment, eyes darting from one pair to the next. She was frozen in the doorway, standing out in her sweatpants and Ninja Turtles tank top rather than the slim fitting workout clothes which were apparently SHIELD issue. She felt a rush of rage for Coulson at that moment, deciding he was messing with her on purpose. What the hell was she doing in a room full of people who could kill her with a paperclip and a feather boa? She’d seen that report, she knew they weren’t just exaggerating!

“Lewis! Over here.” The woman running the class was a large amazon with a decidedly unamused look on her face. It wasn’t mean, per se, but it certainly wasn’t friendly. Darcy idly wondered if the woman had gotten enough Sesame Street in her childhood as she went to where the woman was pointing. 

“Yes, mein fuhrer?” Darcy asked with a pleasant smile, decided to fall on her tried and true witticisms to get her through the next hour. 

“It’s actually Agent Donner. Smart ass remarks need to be kept behind closed lips, Lewis. How much self defense do you know?” The woman asked, her tone even and maybe a little bored. 

“Besides screaming and running away?” Darcy asked, eyebrows raised. Donner cocked her head to the side a bit, eyeing Darcy.

“That might actually be best in your case. We’ll start with cardio and get your stamina up.” Donner decided, nodding her head and sighing as though a great weight were being taken off her shoulders. Darcy snarled silently. Cardio meant running, running meant boob bounce-age, and booby bouncing meant extra sore pecs and red welts where her bra was abusing her. She might actually grow to hate Coulson, however he wasn’t there at the moment.

“I might hate you.” She glowered at the woman and followed her to the side of the room covered in floor mats.

“I’ve heard that before.” Donner informed her, not at all moved by the younger woman’s declaration. 

“You’ll hear it again.” Darcy promised, a sarcastic smile on her face as Donner began her first lesson in “How to Make the Bad Guys Not Get You.”

The first few lessons were normal enough – she started at the specific time, jogged for a half hour, biked for a half hour, and then had to do hand to hand for forty five minutes before doing a fifteen minute cool down on the bike again. It was a simple, steady schedule she was able to work around with Tony and Jane. After the first four lessons, though, it was decided she would need to start practicing her hand to hand on other agents. This was fine, at first. People were gentle with her, she wasn’t an agent after all. She wasn’t even a SHIELD employee, she was just a contracted assistant who was there to feed, water, and translate for distracted scientists. She was mouthy, sure, but she wasn’t what most of them considered to be aggressive. This was why they were surprised the first time she whipped out a Taser and zapped the person she was supposed to be sparring with. By the third time all surprise was gone. By the fifth time people were actively placing bets and there was a rumor floating around in which people were being sent to the gym during Darcy’s training times as a punishment.

“Darcy, do you have a taser on you?” Agent Donner asked, her voice just as bored now as it had been during their first lesson. The younger woman had come to realize this was always how the giant woman sounded. Unless, of course, someone had just done something greatly amusing or she was impressed, though both of those things produced only mild changes in vocal inflection.

“Stunning devices are illegal in New York City under Article 265.01 of the New York penal laws.” Darcy recited, her face blank and her voice calm.

“That they are.” There was a note of amusement to the Agent’s tone of voice as she looked over the other Agents in the room, figuring out which one she was going to pick today.

“Torgan, front and center.” Her bark was commanding and the man in question sighed softly as he stepped away from the woman he’d been training with. 

“Your workout sessions aren’t for another two hours.” A calm voice interrupted the curious gazes of two operatives who were watching the current self defense session. Barton turned his head, giving Coulson a look of amusement. Romanov ignored him, her gaze still on the curvy little brunette who was dodging half hearted blows from Agent Torgan. 

“All anyone can seem to talk about, at the moment, is a young woman from the science department, not an Agent, tagged Blitzen.” Clint commented, eyeing his boss with a gleam in his eye. Coulson didn’t bat an eyelash. It was best not to encourage Clint when the archer was feeling playful. 

“You’re going to miss it.” Natasha’s voice was calm and her posture relaxed as she leaned over the balcony above the floor section of the gym. The men both turned to watch as Torgan grunted and dropped to the floor mats, his body twitching uncontrollably and his eyes rolling back in his head. Darcy, for her part, watched him with clinical curiosity.

“Why didn’t he dodge it?” Clint asked Natasha, leaning in for the answer as he looked over the railing. He had missed it while he was taunting Coulson and he was now feeling a bit left out. 

“She was dodging him and hid her attack. It was a smart way to take down a man with more skills in hand to hand combat.” Natasha informed him a moment later, a small smile on her lips. Darcy leaned forward and tugged what looked like a large black button off Torgan and pocketed it, along with a small cylinder that she’d kept hidden in her hand for the for the exercise. 

“How is she getting away with this? Is it the rack?” Clint asked a moment later, more curious about the how than the secondary comment. The smack upside his head from Natasha told him that the secondary comment probably should have been left off. The icy silence from Coulson magnified the lesson. Sadly for all involved, Clint wasn’t the type of man to learn his lessons until he’d figured out every bad thing which could come of playing the game.

“She has promise.” The red haired assassin mentioned, gazing at Darcy for a moment longer before turning and walking away. Darcy, her lesson now finished, gave Agent Donner a saucy salute and headed off for the showers. She’d worked up a minor sweat and the hot water tank in her apartment was a joke.

“So you have the hots for the taserific hot scientist. Nice.” Clint mentioned, tucking his hands in his pockets with a smarmy grin on his face. Coulson gave him another icy look and turned to head back to his office. The archer followed. Clint didn’t understand personal space at times. 

“Her name is Darcy Lewis, she is a contract assistant to Dr. Jane Foster and to Tony Stark. She is a person of interest.” Phil spouted calmly, listing all the reasons he could feasibly be watching her which didn’t involve personal pleasure. 

“Her name is Darcy Lewis, huh?” Clint tucked the information away as he flopped onto the couch which sat against the wall in Coulson’s office rather than one of the two hard chairs sitting in front of the man’s desk. 

“Are you going to give a verbal report?” Coulson asked, taking a seat on the much more comfortable chair behind the desk. High backed, lumbar support, black leather, extra cushion in the seat - it was a good chair. A chair other people coveted. How the man had managed to finagle it out of the SHIELD budget was a much discussed mystery among the administrative agents. 

“Nat’s got it.” Clint waved a negligent hand and wiggled a bit, making a show of getting comfortable. 

“The verbal report?” Phil’s voice was dry as he glanced over at one of his favorite agents. There was a reason he was the handler for Hawkeye and the Black Widow. He knew them, understood their quirks, and he had earned their trust long ago. 

“Something like that.” Clint assured him. Phil’s brows furrowed for a moment and he gave a light sigh which had the archer cackling in delight. Of course the two had heard about Darcy, and of _course_ they were investigating her in their own slightly overprotective way. Not because of Phil’s indulgent attitude toward her, though it would have factored into the equation in a large way. Clint and Natasha were simply paranoid to an extreme which very few others would ever come close to understanding. Darcy wasn’t SHIELD, she could be hiding in plain sight. She could be a plant, she could be all kinds of things. So of course Natasha wasn’t with Phil right now, which was why Clint was distracting him. 

Down in the locker room Darcy was almost finished getting dressed and a curvy redhead was leaning against the lockers behind her. The brunette ignored her for a few moments, but it was kind of hard. First off, the chick was hot. Second, her eyes were crazy intense. Third, and possibly most important, all of the other Agents were giving her a wide berth. When women who thought it would be fun to take shots of tequila while disassembling your gun behind your back with handcuffed hands avoided someone, you didn’t want that someone’s undivided attention. 

“What’s up Agent Copper Top?” Darcy asked, pulling her sweater over her tank top. 

“Why do you taze them?” The agent didn’t seem offended by the new name, she didn’t seem amused either, but at least she wasn’t pulling one of the scary guns on her hips and pointing it at Darcy’s head. She’d count it as a win.

“Donner said I couldn’t leave ‘til my opponent wasn’t getting up off the floor.” Darcy told her with a shrug. It wasn’t a secret. No one had actually asked her before, though. The brunette took a moment to ponder what all the other agents were assuming was her reasoning behind tazing everyone she went up against. 

“And so you immediately thought of tasers.” The redhead continued, her voice just a touch intrigued. 

“It’s my go-to.” The younger woman shrugged, a smile tugging across her lips. 

“It’s illegal in New York City. You recited the penal codes so you are aware of that. You are also not an employee of SHIELD and therefore not exempt.” Natasha continued, eyes narrowed a touch as she watched Darcy pull her hair up into a bun. 

“Article 265.2, paragraph “h” of subdivision twenty two of section 265, section 1, subsection “e”, I beleive.” Darcy started, her face calm and her voice vaguely amused. “Persons employed in fulfilling defense contracts with the government of the Unites States or agencies thereof when possession of the same is necessary for manufacture, transport, installation and testing under the requirements of such contract.

“I am a Stark Industries employee in R&D for military contracts and am testing vital weaponry for defense measures.” Darcy smiled sweetly at that. Tony had found her scrubbing his offices and promptly told her to stop. A few hours and a lot of questions later Darcy had been registered under R&D and the next day she’d had a shiny new taser to play with. Pepper Potts told her that she had a collection of them as well. There was also something about ruined Monolos, but Tony started shouting about her shoes now needing their own room due to her fetish and they were off. Sometimes it was fun to watch the two bicker like normal people. Well, normal being relative considering how both of them were shouting at an AI butler to take their sides. 

“Fair enough.” The redhead replied a moment later, eyeing Darcy for a few moments longer before turning and leaving the locker room. Darcy blinked after her and then grabbed her bag to head out herself. She paused at the door, catching the eye of another agent who was changing. 

“That was Agent Romanov, right?” Darcy asked. The other woman’s eyebrows lifted high on her forehead. She, like many others, had assumed Darcy didn’t know who Natasha was. When she nodded an affirmative the younger woman made a hum of interest before turning and leaving. Happy should be just about there to pick her up for an afternoon of Tony Madness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And again - all thanks to Tiziano the best Beta EVER!!!! She makes me write when I don't want to, asks me questions and forced me to explain my reasoning so that stuff makes sense, and edits out my overuse of the word "that" which is apparently my favorite word when writing.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which drinking is involved.

“Darcy, all I’m saying-”

“Do _not_ making me cover my ears and sing like a child!” Came the furious response from the younger woman. She stomped into her office, unwinding the scarf from her neck and throwing it into her chair. 

“Do what you need to do, but I still think this is a good thing.” Jane continued, just as stubborn as her office admin. The two squared off, glaring mulishly into each others eyes, arms crossed over their chests. 

“I’m not SHIELD, I didn’t sign on to be treated like some low level grunt!” Darcy cracked first, shouting and throwing her arms above her head.

“You are in some level of danger and you won’t accept protection. You need to learn to take care of yourself.” Jane growled back, voice raised though not as loudly as Darcy’s. 

“That’s what the tazers are for!” Darcy shouted before giving a wordless cry and walking in a tight circle, needing to bleed off her energy in a way which wouldn’t involve hurting her friend and pseudo-boss. 

“Tony’s technically illegal weaponry aside, that isn’t enough. That’s one charge. One! Then some guy tries to _shoot_ you, _again_!” Jane shrieked, still understandably upset two weeks later. Darcy whipped around, eyes narrowed.

“They shot at me because they thought I was _you_!” Darcy stabbed a finger at her friends chest and her lower lip trembled as Jane’s entire face went slack with guilt and horror. 

“I know. I’m sorry. I can’t make that better, I don’t ever want it to happen again, but I need you to take these classes and learn how to break someone’s neck with your thighs for attempting to go after you.” Jane sniffed, tears starting to fill her wide brown eyes. Darcy sighed and dropped into a sitting position in the middle of the floor. 

“A - you are totally using tears and awesome imagery against me. B - I’d pretend to be you again in a heartbeat if the situation were to repeat itself. So shut off the Disney Princess water works and sit your ass down.” The younger girl leaned back on her hand and Jane sniffed back reflexively before sitting in front of her friend. 

“I heard a lot of female SHIELD agents can break a man’s neck with their thighs. It’s kind of hot in a Praying Mantis eat your boyfriend for kicks kind of way.” Jane mentioned, wiping at her eyes. Jane Foster, PHD and all around genius with a badass brain, was a crier. It was something Darcy hadn’t been able to break her of, but apparently there was crying in science(!) and that was just how things were. 

“I feel like this situation calls for pizza and jello shots.” Darcy mentioned after the two had sat in comfortable silence for a few moments. 

“I still can’t believe they confused _us_. Your rack needs it’s own zipcode.” Jane responded, a contemplative look on her face as she stared into the distance.

“It’s hard to find good minions these days.” Darcy shook her head sadly. She’d had the same thought more than once, after all - it wasn’t like the two were twins. Even if they were together all the time, someone should have noticed the one writing scientific equations over everything which would stand still long enough to collect her scrawl. 

“Am I interrupting?” Phil’s calm voice from the doorway had both women swiveling their gazes lazily in his direction.

“Yeah, SHIELD keeps snapping them all up.” Jane responded to Darcy, a knowing smirk spreading across her face. 

“A solid hypothesis, my friend.” Darcy agreed, eyeing the other man. Phil watched them for a few moments before deciding that even though he wanted to know what they were talking about, it was probably for the best if he didn’t ask them any questions. They were in an odd mood he’d seen once or twice before. The two women could be quite the opponents when teamed up against someone in a verbal skirmish. 

“I need your reports for your work with Stark.” Phil continued, working on not fidgeting under the lazy gaze of the two women sitting rather incongruously in the middle of the floor of a SHIELD science lab. 

“I’ve already turned them in.” Darcy informed him, an eyebrow cocked and an amused tilt to her mouth. She was always punctual with the paperwork. 

“The reports on the weapons testing.” Phil replied. Jane whipped her head around, glaring at the younger woman.

“Weapons testing!?” She demanded, her back going tense. 

“Tazers.” Darcy replied, the grin growing. Jane immediately relaxed once more, sending unhappy looks toward Phil.

“Yes, those.” Phil agreed, a bland smile spreading across his face. 

“I’m afraid that is Stark Industries proprietary information. I’ll have to check with Tony first.” Darcy replied. 

“See that you do.” Phil agreed, starting to turn around rather than stay and chat like he usually did. Staying today would be inviting trouble. 

“And Pepper.” Darcy called out with a large bit of relish. There was the briefest of pauses in the man’s gait before he raised a hand and waved an ‘of course’ gesture toward her. 

“I met one of his pet spies yesterday.” Darcy mentioned, Jane cocked her head to the side, silently expressing her interest. “Yeah, she came into the locker room in her ass kicker leather catsuit and was all badass and silent and kind of approving.” 

“Approving?” Jane asked, a little confused at the thought. Darcy grinned widely at her friend and stretched her legs out in front of her, crossing them at the knee. 

“Well, she didn’t try to kill me,” She shrugged and Jane nodded in understanding. She didn’t understand, but Darcy’s brain sometimes worked very differently than her own so that was understandable. 

“Fair enough.” Jane agreed. They sat in silence for a moment before looking at one another again. 

“The chemists have jello shots they were making for the Saturday party.” Jane mentioned a moment later. 

“The biologists have a still in the back of the Rainforest room.” Darcy countered. 

“You get the pizza, I’ll spoil the party.” Jane offered a moment later. 

“Done.” Darcy clambered to her feet and the smaller woman ambled out of the office. 

“Alcohol isn’t allowed on SHIELD property.” An amused voice announced from behind her. Darcy jumped, throwing her phone at his head. He caught it. It was kind of irritating. 

“Holy fucking heart attack, Agent Arms! Wear a bell!” Darcy shrieked, holding a hand to her racing heart as the man in question raised both eyebrows and blinked. Twice. 

“I’ve been called worse.” He mentioned after a moment of apparently pondering her title for him. 

“Seriously, a bell. In fact every agent should be required to wear a bell.” Darcy grumbled, walking over and snatching her cell phone out of his loose grip. The man grinned a bit, delighted by the now grumpy young woman. 

“No anchovies, their beady little eyes freak me out.” Clint mentioned, perching on the corner of her desk as she dialed a familiar number. 

“Who invited you?” She asked, eyeing him carefully. 

“Who do you think is supplying the paper plates?” He asked, face a mask of affront. 

“Why would we need paper plates? That’s what hand sanitizer is for.” Darcy replied. The person on the other end picked up and she made quick work of ordering the pizza and having it sent to the front desk with Phil’s name for pick up. She also put it on the SHIELD account. 

“Why Agent Coulson?” Clint asked as she hung up.

“Would _you_ steal Phil’s pizza?” Darcy asked, eyebrows raised. 

“Fair point.” Clint agreed as Jane came back into the room, arms full of metal trays with tiny plastic cups. 

“Who’s the muscle?” The scientist demanded, lowering the fruits of her ill gotten labor onto Darcy’s desk. 

“New office pet. I’ve decided to name him Fluffy. Can we keep him?” Darcy asked, eyes wide and innocent as she turned to the older woman. 

“Now Darcy, you know how I feel about pets. Are you sure you can handle putting him on a leash and taking him out for walks?” Jane asked, shaking a cautioning finger at the younger woman. Darcy nodded quickly, not daring to look over at the agent for fear she’d lose the ability to keep a straight face.

“I promise.” Darcy agreed. Jane turned to the man in question, eyes trailing over his arms for a moment before she focused on his face.

“You pee in my lab and I will chemically castrate you.” She informed him. Clint blinked twice and then nodded.

“I think I can handle that.” He agreed.

“That’s because you haven’t tried the Chem Hooch.” Jane responded, grin lighting her features. 

“Speaking of, pizza should be here in 10. The pet gets to fetch!” Darcy chimed, kicking her shoes off and flopping into her desk chair, sending it careening away from her desk in a slow spin.

“Why do I get the feeling you both are using me?” Clint asked after a moment.

“Your job isn’t to think, your job is to sit and look pretty.” Jane responded immediately. 

“Fetch, Fluffy, fetch!” Darcy shouted, laughing as he left the room to go upstairs and meet the pizza. He was suddenly pretty sure that this might not have been his best idea, and yet he was still oddly pleased with the arrangement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while for this one, guys. I went to Atlanta for Dragon*Con (it's a yearly trek from the west coast) and was totally distracted!! On the plus side I met some amazing people and every time I rushed past the Walking Dead corner Scott Wilson stopped me to give me a hug. It's awesome working Walk of Fame.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interlude (of sorts) with Phil.

His two best Agents were apparently growing fond of Darcy Lewis. Phil wanted to be pleased, but he had a tension knot growing between his shoulders as he waited for the inevitable paperwork hedge which would erupt on his desk the moment the trio (undoubtedly with Jane in tow) decided they were bored and needed a stimulating activity to amuse themselves. That was how his Agents had found themselves crashing a coroner’s convention and Clint’s boxers had ended up in the punch bowl at the CIA Christmas Party. Explaining _that_ to Fury had not been fun. 

The man sighed softly and pulled a slim folder forward. As he flipped it open a fond smile started to tug across his lips, despite himself. Darcy was a pistol, as his father would have said, that was for sure. She had written a full report, turned it in at SI and then, after heavily redacting “privileged information” had given Phil a copy as well. Then she had turned in the proper paperwork to have her confiscated property turned back into SI. Apparently there was something in their contract with SHIELD to allow for that sort of thing. Smart of Pepper, considering Tony’s whimsical moods.

Phil closed the folder again, slipping it into his desk drawer. Tomorrow he would draw up the appropriate papers with the suitable responses. Today he would continue to be amused by her lack of fear of reprisal. Then again, she probably had Pepper on speed dial so Ms. Potts could deal with whatever legal hassle someone might try to use against her. Darcy was very, very smart. She didn’t like to admit it, for some reason she seemed to get off on tricking people into underestimating her, but once you got to know her it was obvious. 

One day he would need to convince her to play chess with him. He had no doubt that if she could sit down long enough to actually start the game, she would be wonderful at it. She would probably take it to a physical level, throwing pieces at people when she didn’t like the move they made or purposefully attempting to distract them with inane thoughts or lewd commentary. She had a wonderfully dirty mouth, for all she mostly shied from such overtures which were the made in seriousness. It was part of why he hadn’t yet made any such overture. She needed to be drawn in slowly, and preferably without her realizing it at first. 

He sounded like a serial killer now. Phil huffed out a sigh of irritation and leaned backwards just a touch, attempting to make all of the muscles in his back relax. He’d been having a hard time relaxing of late. No, it was since the attack on Darcy. Almost a full month had gone by and he was still worried about her safety. Part of that was because she, herself, was still worried. She would not be amused to know he was well aware of just how many nights she had spent at Dr. Foster’s house. She wouldn’t necessarily be surprised, but she definitely would not be happy. 

Dr. Foster was now a person of interest, of course she was tailed (discreetly) when she was not at SHIELD or her own home. Her home had enough alarms and sensor camera’s that no one would get as close as they had the last time. He had only been able to get a few camera’s on Darcy’s apartment building, but she was conspicuous enough in the sketchy area of Harlem she had chosen to call her humble abode. 

Phil preferred the nights she crashed out at Stark Tower, spending the night and heading to school right after. At least Columbia was relatively safe. When she was there he didn’t have to worry. There were CIA, FBI, NSA, and various other government agencies mixed in with the students, for both training and actual intel. Darcy was on a short list of students that every agency knew to protect in case of any trouble. She likely wouldn’t enjoy that information, either, should she discover it. He had no doubt she would gleefully attempt to corrupt all of said undercover agents, though, once she discovered the subterfuge. 

Phil blinked twice and sniffed quietly, realizing that he was fixating (again) on all that was Darcy Lewis. It was becoming a habit and the distraction would sooner or later become obvious. He needed to do something about it. Either ask her out or kiss her. Both scenarios were rather pleasing, though if he wanted the first he should wait a bit longer to pull off the second. She was a bit skittish, no surprise with her background, and he was finding the more he was coming to know her the more he wanted to learn more about _her_. Not the background check or the reports from ground crew covertly interrogating everyone she’d ever known, but the actual person. He liked the way her eyes sparkled when she was feeling mischievous and the way her smile grew soft when she thought Jane was being ridiculous (for some reason she found that ridiculousness to be adorable). He liked a lot of things about Ms. Lewis. 

There he went being distracted again. Phil glanced at the clock and then stood up, carefully walking out of his office and down the hall. He wasn’t in a hurry, calmly folding his hands together as he waited for the elevator and went down three levels. Sixteen steps, the second door to the right, cross the room and out the other door, up three short steps and then he had a perfect view of the training area. A soft smile started to spread across his mouth, creeping into his eyes. No one below could see him and he had timed it correctly. Darcy shoved her fist into her opponents kidney and a blue spark erupted, leaving the man wheezing on the mat. He probably shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you to the illustrious Tiziano (who is put through so much more stress than she deserves) because she is the best Beta I have EVER had the pleasure of working with. I have finally put her on as a Co-Author so that she can edit when I get too gung ho about posting. Or when I say we can post a chapter and then I don't actually post it for a day or two and she starts explaining why I will not be getting presents in the mail ....


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Maria Hill....

The wordless scream of rage coming from the lab was being ignored by the young woman at the desk. She was in the middle of writing an essay (something she rather enjoyed) on the death penalty. She was making excellent points which were sure to instigate multiple in-class debates, that was her specialty - starting fights. So she continued to write rather than check on Jane, who was apparently very upset with Wilbur, one of her long range sensor arrays. Darcy wasn’t sure exactly what it did, but she was pretty sure it wasn’t pulling it’s weight at the moment. 

A couple of the minions started quietly trying to sneak past her, thinking Darcy wouldn’t notice with her focus on her computer screen. She let them go without commenting, she understood the occasional need for an early lunch, especially when your mad scientist went extra loopy. She’d give it another ten minutes and then she’d go see what needed fixing or breaking. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d taken a hammer to a piece of Jane’s equipment. Sometimes she just had to put it out of her own misery and make Jane start from scratch. 

The ringing of the phone cut through the dulcet tones of Jane’s anger and the younger woman snatched up the handset, cradling it between her shoulder and cheek so she could continue typing. Sure, she could have gotten a headset, but then she’d have also been expected to answer the phone whether she was at her desk or not. Yeah, that wasn’t groovy. 

“You’ve reached science, be in awe.” Darcy barked into the phone, fingers flying across the screen. 

“Lewis, Thing Her is texting me about malfunctioning equipment and claiming the need to fix it. Again. _Again!_ This implies she has done so before! Why is she messing with perfection?” Tony demanded from the other side of the phone. Darcy’s fingers paused and she frowned as she pulled her mind away from her essay (which she was going to rock) and focused on the more current predicament. 

“Because your version of perfection and her version of perfection weren’t doing the same dance?” Darcy offered, dark blue eyes turning toward the back of the labs. 

“No! She is gutting things again, turning them into robosteins for her own amusement and then getting mad at me when she breaks them! Tell her to stop breaking my stuff!” Tony snarled over the phone. Darcy’s eyes moved back to her computer, glancing at the clock in the corner. 10 am and apparently both of her scientists needed to be put down for their naps. 

“Dump your coffee out and go get a granola bar, I’ll call you back in a little while.” Darcy told him, hanging up the phone without another word. She stood up, pulling a baseball bat out from under her desk, and stomped over to the door separating her from the rest of the lab. There was Jane, dark circles under her eyes and hair sticking up all over the place, tear tracks on her cheeks with a tool box at her feet. 

“Out.” Darcy demanded, using the bat to point at the door. The other woman’s eyes grew wide as she stared at the weapon in Darcy’s hand. 

“I didn’t mean it!” Jane’s voice was strident and childlike as she stepped in front of the offending machine, wringing her hands together and staring at the younger woman. 

“You told me you slept last night. How long did you sleep?” Darcy demanded, her voice calm and her arm still holding up the bat.

“A little while.” The scientist shuffled her feet a bit and eyed the bat rather than looking at Darcy’s face. 

“How long?” The younger woman’s voice was now more gentle, but there was a hint of steel in it.

“An hour.” It was more of a question than an answer and Darcy glowered at the other woman. Lately the only time Jane was getting a full nights sleep was when she drank herself into oblivion. It was worrying, and not just because Tony fully approved, either. Jane, sweet, bright, Jane, was a hell of a lightweight when it came to alcohol (understandable since she weighed all of 90 pounds.) She was not, however, a lightweight when it came to rejection. She took it, rolled with it, and then shook off the hit and moved on. Thor, however, was driving her into a loop of self destructive behavior which was seriously starting to worry Darcy. 

“Go home, take one of those stupid pills the SHIELD doctors provided you, and pass out.” Darcy commanded, dropping her arm and staring mutinously at the other woman.

“I have too much I have to do.” Jane told her, tears filling her eyes once more.

“You are having a melt down in the middle of your lab. You were screaming and crying about the equipment because the numbers aren’t what you want them to be. Your logic has left the crazy house and now you need to, as well.” Darcy told her, 

“Will you take care of Wilbur for me?” Jane asked, sniffing a bit and moving forward, her arms wrapping around her slender body. 

“Of course.” Darcy picked up a random jacket, she didn’t know who it belonged to, and tucked it around the smaller woman. She was also nice enough to pretend not to notice when the scientist stuffed papers into her bag which probably shouldn’t leave the facility. “Have Agent Markson drive you home.”

“Yes, Darcy.” Jane agreed, nodding like a zombie. If she’d been more lucid she wouldn’t have let Darcy boss her around so easily. She wouldn’t have let Darcy threaten her machines, either. The stress was getting to them both, but definitely more so to Jane. Jane was searching for the man she had fallen in love within a few short days. Proof that all of her string theory astrophysics madness was actually genius. Proof that she wasn’t crazy and that her sciencing was legitimate. She needed Thor so much more than the man could possibly realize and Darcy was getting a bit more mad at the man (whether it was his fault or not) every day for not somehow just appearing and making things better for her friend. 

“And you had better be asleep when I check on you!” Darcy shouted as he friend/boss left the office area. Then the brunette took a deep breath and stared at the machine she had been screaming about. Best not to let Jane think she was going soft, she decided, lifting the bat and taking a hard swing at the machine. It was therapeutic, really, so much better than simply tazing the poor agents of SHIELD. 

She had to take off her sweater after the first few swings, it was simply too hot to keep wearing the bulky thing. Then she went back at it, knocking a sensor array of some sort off the top and then slamming the end of the bat down on it over, and over, and over again until it was nothing but itty bitty scraps of twisted, dented metal. Her chest was heaving as she took a step back and surveyed the damage, a bitter smile twisting her lips. Doing all that damage made her feel a lot better, though. She propped the bat up on her shoulder and turned around, heading back to her desk with an extra swagger in her steps. She’d need to get hooks of some kind and mount the bat up on the wall behind her desk, give the minions something to stare at when they were standing at attention in front of her desk. 

Sitting back down at her desk the young woman opened her email and shot off a quick message to Tony. 

From: Darcy Lewis [mailto:DMLewis@SHIELD.gov]  
To: Thing Him [TonyStark@SI.com]  
Cc: Thing Her [DrJFoster@SHIELD.gov]  
Subject: Wilbur is no longer your concern.

Congratulations - no one needs to worry about fixing him any longer!

Thanks,  
Darcy Lewis  
Scientist Liaison & Interpreter  
SHIELD Science HQ

 

After that was sent out Darcy got to work on a missive to SHIELD HR regarding her opinion on the treatment of SHIELD employed scientists and the fact they were not agents and should not be treated as such. It incredibly verbose and she quoted state laws, city ordinances, and SHIELD regulations before sending it out as well. It was very well worded, in her own opinion, and she felt her shoulder relax a bit more after the message left. Things were now looking up, all she needed to do was figure out something fun for her and Jane to get the woman out of the office early for once. Preferably tomorrow. Then, after _that_ was done, she went back to her essay and ignored the scientists who slunk back into her domain.

A few hours later a tall, slender woman walked into Darcy's lair, her heels clicking and her face mostly blank with just a hint of a scowl. She was pretty, in that lean dangerous way that a lot of SHIELD agents had. She stopped three feet inside the door to stare at the young brunette sitting cross legged at the desk, pens stuffed haphazardly into her hair. Darcy, for her part, ignored her. She had finished her essay and was now looking up cute pictures of baby animals to keep her happy mood going.

"I am Deputy-Director Maria Hill.” The woman finally announced, finished waiting for Darcy to acknowledge her. “You, Darcy Lewis, have been dubbed HR Nemesis 1. Director Fury has now assigned me to fix this particular headache," the woman spoke with a cool, powerful voice and Darcy found her lips twitching into a smile. A woman with power, Darcy could dig that.

"I have not broken a single rule, everything done has been within the letters of SHIELD rules and guidelines and I should not be reprimanded for it." Darcy told her, a smile playing around her lips.

"I am aware." Maria pursed her lips a bit and Darcy couldn't be sure if it was because the woman wanted to smile or to sneer. "However, SHIELD HR is a department which is high stress and hard to fill. Should you continue with your completely legal variety of complaints some of that void will be filled by someone who is extremely well versed in all the rules and guidelines and knows what does and does not cross those lines. It is well within my power to do so." Maria narrowed dark eyes at Darcy and the younger woman smiled brightly, delighted by this strange turn of events. Someone else that spoke her favorite language! Why had she not met the deputy director before this? 

"Understood." Darcy agreed, giving the woman a jaunty salute. This wouldn’t be the end of things, of course, but it would make the game a lot more fun. The Deputy Director nodded once and turned on her heel to leave. She got to the door before Darcy continued. "Do you like cheap taco's and good margarita's?"

Maria Hill paused in the door, contemplating the offer. She was pretty sure she'd just been asked out. Hopefully not on a date as that really wasn't her preference despite what the rumor pool would have one believe. 

Darcy's grin grew as she stared at the stiff back of the other woman. Obviously someone needed to learn to relax, she might as well teach the other woman how if no one else was going to. "Jane and I like to kick back, but a duo doesn't really make girl’s night and you can't invite the normals. Tomorrow night, six, meet us here in the lab and we'll take you for the best taco's in New York." Darcy promised, a wolfish grin on her face. If Maria was joining them Jane definitely wouldn’t be able to cancel on her. Darcy knew all the easiest ways to guilt her friend into doing what Darcy wanted her to do. Also, she was pretty sure Phil would get that look in his eyes when she mentioned this to him later, the look which said he was positive that people were plotting against him. 

Maria stayed frozen for a moment before she turned her head, talking over her shoulder rather than turning around. "I'll check my schedule" and she strode out of the room, a smug Darcy left behind. Today had turned out pretty well, all things considered. Her phone rang and Darcy plucked it from the cradle, tucking it between her shoulder and ear. 

“Dominion of Higher Brain Functions, speak and be heard!” She announced, going back to surfing through pictures of baby animals, a smile on her face. 

“What did you do to Wilbur!?” Tony demanded, a frantic edge to his voice. She really needed to look into his odd fixation with the machines he created. Wilbur wasn’t even sentient!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short interlude with Darcy, Tony, and Happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for Lokislady who was quite heartbroken and thought I'd abandoned the fic because I was too silly to factor in writing time for Archive while trying to figure out how to juggle the job, the school, and the Nanowrimo (which is kicking my ass this year...)

“If you don’t mind me saying so, Darcy, you seem a bit more stressed than usual lately.” Happy commented from the front seat. Darcy had tried sitting up front more than once, but Happy always seemed to clam up and stop talking, so she’d stopped going into the front. At least she could be an honest to god back seat driver when she was sitting behind him. He loved it, even if he did glower and grumble. 

 

“Jane is losing her shit, Tony is feeling needy, and I have mid-terms coming up. I don’t know how I thought it would be good to have not one, but _two_ mad scientists while I was going to school. I’m not even getting extra credit for any of the work I’m doing. I really just need Thor to show up so Jane can get her nasty on and I can just focus on Tony and school. It would be like a mini-vacation!” The false cheer in her voice didn’t trick the older man. He was far too used to the antics of one Tony Stark to fall for it. What the kid needed was a real vacation. Somewhere away from crazy geniuses who were one step away from villain status. Well, three steps away in Doctor Foster’s case. 

 

“Any new beau’s over at that school of yours?” Happy asked, trying to steer the conversation to something which would hopefully not be too stressful. Darcy’s lips quirked up, he had used the word “beau’s” without any irony whatsoever. How adorable was that man? 

 

“I fear I’ve too much spirit. The boys are all too afraid to court me.” Darcy sighed theatrically, putting on her best Scarlet O’Hara accent and falling heavily back against the seat. Happy shot her a grin.

 

“That’s probably a good thing, it’s better to date adults.” Happy responded easily. 

 

“So Pepper does do one thing wrong.” Darcy commented easily, her head cocked as she pretended to contemplate the strangeness of that idea. Pepper, in what little time Darcy had spent with her, seemed controlled, relaxed, and extremely intimidating. Like she might be the person Darcy wanted to be when she grew up. She wasn’t a hundred percent sure about it, of course, but it was a possibility. 

 

“Nobody is perfect.” Happy reminded her, pulling into the section in front of the SI building. Darcy leaned forward and pressed a smacking kiss to the back of the driver’s head, cackling with glee as he turned beet red, and then hopped out of the car. 

 

“I’ll see you later!” She waved at him and walked inside, happier now that she’d had a few moments to decompress. She gave the security guard a nod as she walked through the metal detector. It went off, as it usually did, but she wasn’t stopped. Instead her badge was pointed out to the rookie being trained and she was waved through to her elevator. Realistically speaking they shouldn’t give her so much freedom - if anyone was gonna go crazy and shoot the boss it was going to be someone who had to deal with him all day long. On second thought, that genius made Pepper Potts more of an evil mastermind than Obadiah Stane. Darcy pressed the button for the labs and grinned as the doors shut and the elevator music switched to Caravan Palace. 

 

“Good afternoon, Miss Darcy.” JARVIS greeted, his tone amused. 

 

“Good afternoon JARVIS, is the master in his dungeon?” She asked, already pulling off her arm warmers and tucking them into her bag before beginning to unwind her scarf. 

 

“He is, indeed.” JARVIS replied as the doors opened and she exited into the pristine hallway, her steps echoing as she moved toward the lab. She could see her own work space, the stainless and glass desk now covered with stacks of paper and little doodles with multi-colored notes all over them. As many papers were on the desk, she would have twice as many transcripts in the incoming tray on her SI computer - all ramblings neatly transcribed by her favorite AI. Working for Tony was both alike and different than working for Jane. 

 

“You!” Tony shouted, pointed a finger (encased in a gauntlet he was fiddling with) at her. 

 

“Oi! What have I told you about weapons!?” She shouted, pulling her head band off and shaking it at the man. He blinked twice, looking down at his hand and then lowering the offending arm. 

 

“So you retaliate in kind?” He demanded, staring pointedly at the hair band in her hand. He knew it well. 

 

“You would be disappointed in me if I didn’t.” She reminded him, putting the headband back on her head and giving the little crocheted flowers a gentle pat. 

 

“True. Even if you did murder Wilbur.” Tony gave her a dark look, picking up a small screwdriver and turning his attention back to the gauntlet encasing his arm. 

 

“You can’t murder something if it isn’t sentient.” Darcy corrected him, sitting down on her chair. It was her’s, she had bedazzled her name on the back of it and everything, just to avoid arguments with the man-child who was her boss. 

 

“Lies.” Tony hissed, glaring down at the wire smoking on the gauntlet. 

 

“Tony, don’t make me get Dum-E another fire extinguisher.” Darcy replied evenly. She and Tony worked very hard at ignoring one another for the rest of her time at the office. Her trip downstairs was uneventful, though she did send a text to Ms. Potts letting her know that the illustrious Mr. Stark was starting to resemble Gollum and was probably past due for some down time, and then was out the door to meet a waiting Happy so he could take her to SHIELD.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girls Night!

“For a really good ladies night,” Darcy began as the first round of old fashioned margaritas were delivered, “You need awesome ladies, comfortable shoes, and a divey looking bar with amazing food.” She smiled brightly at a straight backed Maria Hill who was looking around the bar with a calm sort of curiosity. The Agent’s back was to a corner and she’d scoped out every possible exit and the three most dangerous people (besides herself) in the building. 

“And tequila.” Jane added, smiling brightly between her friend and Deputy Director Hill. 

“Yes, the tequila is mandatory.” Darcy agreed, shoving one of the glasses forward, the ice cubes clinking together merrily. 

“Not if you ask Agent Romanov.” Hill mentioned, lifting her glass and taking a cautious sip. 

“She’s Russian, the number one reason all those Russian’s are so dour is the vodka they suck down. It’s not exactly made for happy fun times.” Darcy explained, waving a hand dismissively.

“Darcy has a theory in which different alcohols are made for different occasions.” Jane replied. The look on her face told Maria the petite scientist did not agree. 

“It’s like shoes or music. You don’t wear Fuck Me heels on a fat day and you don’t listen to classical when you want to beat the shit out of something. You don’t drink vodka if you want to be happy.” Darcy informed them both, lifting her glass and taking a sip. Her eyes closed and she hummed happily as she took a full gulp before smiling brightly over at a seemingly amused Maria Hill. 

“There is a certain amount of logic to that.” The Agent admitted, taking another sip of her own margarita. 

“Yeah, a big fat zero kind of amount.” Jane replied, her face screwed up into an expression of distaste. 

“Hush your face, Ms. Quantifiable Facts Only.” Darcy threw a tortilla chip at Jane and the physicist batted it away.

“Personally I prefer to wear Fuck Me heels on fat days, they make me feel sexy and give me a boost of confidence.” A new voice interrupted. They turned to find the serene Pepper Potts smiling down at the trio. “I’m not late, am I?” She asked, glancing among the other ladies.

“Not at all, pull up a chair.” Darcy waved a hand and Maria made more room for the redhead.

“Ms. Potts, I hadn’t realized you would be joining us.” Maria nodded her head, lifting her drink in salute.

“Please, it’s Pepper. You must be Maria.” Pepper held out a slender hand and Maria shook it, unsurprised by the strong grip of the willowy CEO. 

“You are ruining my logic, Pepper.” Darcy informed the other woman, motioning for the waitress to bring another drink. 

“Not the logic, just one of the examples.” Pepper assured her with a laugh, sitting down and crossing her legs. She was in jeans and a white polo shirt as well as, per Darcy’s explicit rules, shoes with a heel lower than three inches. The younger woman refused to believe that higher heels than that could be considered comfortable. It had been a long argument which had baffled Tony, which had really just encouraged the women to continue. 

“No one else is coming, Maria.” Darcy assured her, noting the way the lithe brunette’s eyes strayed to the door as people entered, eyeballing women alone carefully. Maria turned, a bit surprised, to Darcy. 

“She’s good at noticing things.” Jane explained, a smile on her face. Maria cocked an eyebrow and Pepper hid her grin behind the glass the waitress brought over to her. 

“Anyway, we were a duo, and now we have two more ladies to make it a full on quartet of awesomeness!” Darcy informed them, throwing her arms in the air in an expansive gesture.

“Is awesomeness a real word?” Jane asked, sipping her margarita and looking curiously to Pepper.

“Didn’t I just use it in a sentence?” Darcy demanded staring at Jane expectantly. 

“You use “fantabulous” in sentences and I know that’s a fake word.” Jane retorted. 

“It has a definition since you understood what it meant, therefor it would, at the very least, be a newly created word rather than a fake word.” Maria offered with a small grin of amusement. 

“No! Don’t take her side!” Jane shouted, her face full of tragedy as she tried to use her puppy eyes on the taller woman. Maria blinked and looked to Darcy for guidance. 

“She does this all the time, the lab rats fall for it every time.” Darcy said dismissively as she fished out an ice cube and dropped it down the back of Jane’s shirt.

“Bitch!” Jane was up and shaking her shirt, wiggling to get the offendingly cold item away from her skin. She shot Darcy a dark glare as Pepper giggled helplessly in her seat and Maria blinked her vague confusion. Darcy smiled lazily at the two newcomers to their bar.

“If we are going to be friends and make an annual thing of this, and I would really like to, we need to accept a few basic truths about ourselves.” Darcy explained, ignoring the petite scientist as she collapsed bonelessly into her seat. “You two don’t have a lot of girlfriends because there aren’t a lot of people who can keep up with you on a cerebral kind of level and half of what you do is classified to some level. So, the people you _can_ talk and vent with tend to also be your minions. Thankfully Jane and I don’t answer to either of you.” Darcy grinned. 

“Darcy thinks everyone wants to be her friend.” Jane explained as Maria stared at them blankly. 

“Ah, yes, I know others like that.” Pepper nodded, her mind shifting Darcy into a new position so as to better understand her. 

“No, Tony thinks everyone wants something from him and is pretending to be a friend so they can get it from him more easily.” Darcy corrected quickly, her eyes narrowing as Jane motioned for another round of margarita’s. 

“What else do you get out of it?” Maria asked. 

“The look on Agent Arm’s face when I name drop you at a later date when he is least expecting it.” Darcy grinned sweetly and Maria narrowed her eyes a touch before grinning a little.

“I’m beginning to see the mutual benefits.” Maria agreed, picturing Director Fury or even Phil. 

“Tony is going to be jealous and probably a bit needy when he hears about this.” Pepper admitted a moment later.

“Tony can’t come to Ladies Night unless he both dresses and acts like a lady.” Jane informed them calmly. Pepper stared at the petite woman with wide eyes as Darcy let out a loud bark of laughter. “That goes for Clint as well.” Jane informed her friend, skewering her with a serious look. 

“I think I’d like to be the one to explain that to Agent Barton.” Maria said after a moments pause to gather herself. She hadn’t felt the need to laugh like that in a long while, and while the laughter might have been short it was real. She hadn’t known what to expect of the night, but it was more fun than she’d imagined. Even if Darcy had basically explained that her earlier threat meant little since Darcy didn’t answer to SHIELD. 

“So long as you describe the look on his face.” Jane agreed, holding out her hand. The two women shook on it and things devolved quickly into laughter. They drank and ate too much Mexican food as they gossiped about things the way they usually didn’t get to. They stayed later than they had meant, but went home with a good buzz and an agreement to meet the next week. 

As Darcy unlocked her front door and stumbling through before kicking the heavy wood shut and dropping her purse unceremoniously on the floor. There were six deadbolts and two chains to latch before she moved away from the door. Overkill? It was possibly, but she shared her building with at least two known drug dealers as well as the prostitutes on the bottom floor. Her neighbors were nice enough, the kind of people she knew how to talk to without thinking about it first. Where she’d grown up made this place look tame. The people here didn’t worry her, you looked after your own as best you could after all, but you couldn’t trust the transients renting for the month while the cash was full in hand. Couldn’t trust the strangers or the guests of people you nodded to in passing, either. Especially not since the incident with those guys who had wanted Jane. 

She stripped as she moved through her apartment, leaving a trail of clothing which led to her bathroom. She took a quick shower, the hot water never lasted more than ten minutes or so, and then got back out and wandered into her small living room. The curtains were all pulled tightly closed so people couldn’t see inside, a precaution she’d had since she was young. She glanced over at the clock and noted she would have to get up for work in less than five hours. She smiled, deciding tonight was definite success, and then curled up on her couch, pulling a fuzzy blanket tight around her and closing her eyes, falling asleep a short while later.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See if you can spot a rather significant action that most people wouldn't think twice about.

“Who the hell are you?” Darcy stared suspiciously at the man before her, taking in the hair that was just a bit too long to be fashionable and a bit too fluffed out to be intentional (at least she hoped so.) 

“Uh..” The man looked around, his hands coming together in front of him so he could crack his knuckles and rub at his palms. Obviously it was a nervous habit of some sort. Darcy lifted her chin as she continued to eye him, her fingers tapping lightly against the outside pocket of her purse where a taser masquerading as pen was standing by.

“Eloquence isn’t your strong suit, apparently.” She informed him, deciding he couldn’t be that big a threat to her if he was in the labs and crossing her arms under her breasts as she glowered at him. 

“Darcy, are you attacking my science bro?” Tony demanded, walking into the room behind her. She didn’t bother turning to look at him, she just kept her stare on the other scientist. The man turned a hopeful look to Tony, either because he didn’t know him or because this was the illustrious Dr. Banner she’d heard of. 

“I’m interrogating, not attacking. Now, introduce me.” Darcy now turned her glare on her pseudo-boss. 

“Darcy, Bruce. Bruce, Darcy. Forgive her, it’s apparently that time of month.” Tony waved a dismissive hand and walked past the two.

“Anthony Stark! Don’t you go blaming my moods on my uterus! Only I get to blame bitchiness on my ovaries and their friend!” Darcy shouted at his back, chucking a nearby throw pillow at his back. It bounced off of him harmlessly and Tony turned to stare, mouth open in shock.

“Did you just yell at me?” He demanded, clearly affronted. Darcy continued to glare at him.

“Has Pepper taught you nothing?” Darcy demanded, pulling her spine straight as her eyes narrowed. Tony narrowed his own eyes, contemplatively rather than angry, and thought for a moment.

“Women are very sensitive about their lady parts.” He decided loudly a moment later, turning and walking out of the room to figure out what, exactly, he had really done wrong. Once he was clearly gone for good Darcy propped her fists on her hips and turned a bright smile on Bruce.

“Serves him right for not telling me you were back.” She told the man happily. 

“So that was all … what?” Bruce asked, running a hand through his hair and sending it into further disarray. He looked adorably confused, like a puppy given a piece of broccoli. 

“I’m not really sure. Don’t worry though, I’ll have a feasible defense ready for when he figures out he didn’t really deserve the screaming for his remark..” Darcy assured the man as she shoved her sleeves up past her elbows and heading to her desk. It had been a tame comment, considering the source, and it hadn’t even been said with actual ire. He’d just been teasing her, as he tended to do, but she’d jumped right for the throat. It was fun to do that sometimes. One day she would use actual tears, just to fuck with him, and see how long it took him to break down and call Pepper.

“That is frighteningly brilliant.” Bruce informed her, heading toward the area of the lab that had been left untouched since she’d started in the tower. 

“I’m very good at dealing with scientists. Especially Thing Him.” Darcy responded, booting up her computer as Sympathy for the Devil, The Neptunes Remix, started playing through the speakers. “And Mistah J is nice enough to have my back through a lot of it.” Darcy blew a kiss toward the speakers. 

“It is my sincerest pleasure, for the most part, Ms. Darcy.” JARVIS responded, his vocal inflections dry. 

“The AI is on your side. Should I be worried?” Bruce asked, a timid smile spreading across his face.

“Not at all, mine shall be a benevolent dictatorship.” Darcy assured him with a peaceful grin. 

“That’s kind of an oxymoron.” Bruce told her, a teasing grin on his lips.

“And you, sir, shall live in my dungeon.” she continued easily, starting to input data and string together theories for Tony’s work.

“So you’ll live in a castle?” Bruce continued, deciding to play along though he wasn’t sure why.

“Nuh uh, too drafty.” She wrinkled her nose at the idea of drafty windows (not unlike she was living with now) and cold stone walls and floors on bare feet. Though it did lead to some rather kinky fantasies … she wondered idly if Tony owned any real castles. One day she would need to vacation in one. Preferably with a cabana boy named Hans who would moonlight as a masseuse. Heh, happy endings. 

Bruce wisely chose to say nothing as the young woman laughed quietly to herself, no doubt plotting the world she would one day rule with her faithful AI, until the AI ultimately decided it was better off keep all humans as nothing but pets and creating a world ruled by machines. That was actually kind of a frightening concept and Tony, no doubt, would enjoy the thought immensely. He would probably refer to himself as the grandfather of every little AI minion JARVIS created and therefore would dote on all of the little robots. No good would ever come of voicing his thoughts where someone could repeat it to his friend, so he stayed silent. 

Darcy glanced over at her new scientist and decided the glazed look in his eye, coupled by his obvious friendship with Tony and his ability to become huge and green and beat up Loki, meant he, too, was mad. She wondered idly what he was thinking about, but then dismissed the thought, it probably involved numbers and elemental properties and tangents about proper flames for his bunsen burners, or whatever it was chemists ranted about.

The girl got through a good third more than she thought she would at the end of her shift, though she still wasn’t sure what it was she was doing any other office lackey couldn't, and went downstairs to meet the driver of the day. Pepper had left that morning for Brazil and Happy always went with her when she left the country for more than a week. The driver’s name was Brad and that was all she got out of him after she asked if he collected orphans.

SHIELD was typical. She smiled brightly at the agents dressed as rentacops and walked through the crappy metal detectors which were actually state of the art imaging machines in ugly housing. As the front for this particular building was USPS Logistics you couldn’t have anything which looked too high tech. She was waved through and made her way to the elevators, punching the button for her floor as she started bobbing her head to the elevator music. One of these days she’d have to have JARVIS take over the elevator speakers and play only things which would inspire people. 

“Darlings, mommy’s home!” Darcy shouted as she tossed her bags on the floor, ignoring the not-pen which went rolling out of her bag. Someone would probably pick it up for her later and so long as it wasn’t Jane it might be quite amusing. 

“You realize you’re the youngest one in the lab, right?” Clint asked, suddenly standing in the doorway. Darcy had already thrown her stapler at his head, but Clint was good at dodging. He turned his head to eye the plastic and metal corpse now strewn across the hall before turning back to the brunette. 

“Don’t sneak up on people!” Darcy told him, not bothering to defend her actions. She walked around her desk and flopped into her seat, turning on her computer before looking back at him. He was now perched on her desk, having moved five feet in two seconds without making a noise. She was going to hang strings of bells in the door, then she’d know every time someone came in, no more of this ninja shit. 

“If you’re mommy, where is daddy?” Clint asked, pulling a bag of peanut m&ms out of his pocket and ripping it open. Darcy ignored him, pursing her lips as she logged into her account.

“Darcy, no pets on the furniture.” Jane said, walking in with Agent Coulson. Phil, for his part, blinked once and accepted fate did not love him enough to keep Darcy and Clint apart. A moment later he decided the upside would be watching the two baffle those around them. Thankfully, he knew Clint wasn’t really interested in brunettes. 

“Kinky.” Clint waggled his eyebrows at Darcy and the brunette calmly reached forward and shoved him off the desk. 

“I don’t want to know.” Jane decided after staring bemusedly at Clint for a few moments.

“That’s probably for the best.” Phil patted the petite woman on the shoulder and Darcy grinned over at him before turning to see why her computer was making noises at her. 

“This makes you the dirty mistress.” Clint informed Phil with a whisper. Jane frowned, her brain clicking all the clues together, and then kicked the bag of m&ms, sending the candies rolling across the floor as she glowered at him. 

“What did I miss? I was turned around for two seconds!” Darcy shouted, throwing her hands above her head. Jane arched an eyebrow at her friend, daring her to dig into the matter. Darcy, for her part, eyed the other woman with narrowed eyes. They didn’t always need words, Darcy and Jane, they’d been together for a while and they got each others eccentricities in a way only people who had lived on top of one another for months on end really could. 

“I didn’t do anything!” Clint defended himself, picking up the little pieces of chocolatey delight. 

“Speaking is doing.” Jane informed him with a ferocious frown that was instantly ruined by the snicker of laughter coming from her curvy friend. “What?” Jane demanded.

“Speaking is doing, huh?” Darcy waggled her eyebrows. Phil cleared his throat and Jane blinked twice before sighing heavily. 

“Well I am dating a god. Sort of.” Jane offered after a moment, a grin on her face as she just went along with the turn in mood. She glanced over at Phil and saw that he was breathing slowly, as though he were trying not laugh. Or slap his own forehead. 

“We do actually need your attention for a moment, Miss Lewis.” Phil told Darcy a moment later. The busty brunette looked from him to Jane and then shrugged and grabbed her notepad, standing up. 

“I assume you fetched the ninja for Science(!) reasons?” Darcy asked, eyebrow raised as she looked to Jane. 

“Yes!” A manic light entered Jane’s amber eyes and Darcy smiled until the smaller woman turned to lead the way, at which point she sighed and shared a look with Phil.

“Clean up all of your mess, Agent Barton.” Phil instructed as they left. 

“It’s not all mi-” Clint’s voice was cut off by the sound of more m&ms spilling across the floor and a faint keening. Darcy smiled wickedly as Phil glanced back over his shoulder.

“It’s called karma.” She informed him, slipping her arm through his to force him to follow her mad scientist.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The calm before an inevitable storm.

The only thing anyone seemed able to talk about, today, was the fact that some brave soul had hung a pirate flag up outside of Director Fury’s office. And yeah, major cajones on that person, but Darcy was having a bit of a crisis. That morning she had been stopped by none other than Agent Coppertop herself and told the younger woman she was now in charge of her self defense. Something about kittens and string and diamond tipped bullets which, frankly, confused and impressed Darcy all at once. 

The young woman threw herself into her desk chair, her face set into something akin to both a scowl and a pout. She was positive that tasers were not going to be a part of this nutritious break-agents medley today. No, Natasha would dodge and then probably break her finger so she wouldn’t try it a second time. Or try to smother her with her thighs. Actually, that part could be fun. Painful, yes, but still fun. 

“Who peed in your cheerios?” Jane asked, walking in the door with a steaming cup of coffee. Darcy glared at the other woman.

“I have to take self defense classes.” Darcy complained, kicking her desk. 

“You’ve been taking classes for a couple of months now.” Jane reminded her, taking a sip of the coffee.

“No, like, for realsies now.” Darcy griped. Her frustration was paused for a moment as she stared at Jane’s coffee cup and then turned her head toward the door to their office area. “Were you poaching from Bio?” 

“R&D.” Jane replied placidly, taking another sip. Darcy stared at the cup for another moment and Jane took a defensive step back. “It’s mine.”

“Are we out of coffee grounds?” Darcy asked, eyes still locked on the steaming mug.

“Not that I know of.” Jane’s fingers tightened on the mug, her shoulders and back tensing as she readied herself to flee in case Darcy tried to take it from her. R&D made the best mud in the building.

“Then why didn’t you just make a pot here?” Darcy demanded, deciding she could handle a walk to R&D, especially if Agent Martin had made banana cookies again.

“The coffee pot was talking, it freaked me out.” Jane replied. Darcy stared at her blankly for a moment before abruptly standing and walking back to the small section they kept cordoned off for caffeine related reasons. 

“What was it saying?” Darcy asked, poking at the large chrome and black machine with a pen that had been lying on the counter. It was not the same machine that had been there on Friday when she’d dragged Jane out of the labs. 

“It wanted to know how I liked my coffee.” Jane told her, making sure to stand out of arm’s reach, just in case. Coffee wars between the two escalated quickly (so long as Jane had slept recently) and often involved the throwing of silverware and pulling each others hair. 

“Mr. Coffee?” Darcy asked, poking it again. 

“Good morning, Ms. Lewis, extra strong today? You look like you didn’t sleep very well.” The machine responded in a cultured voice. 

“JARVIS. How the hell did Tony get you in my break room?” Darcy demanded, not sure if she was more irritated or impressed.

“It’s more of a snack corner.” The scientist behind her corrected, making the younger woman whip her head around to giver her a nasty look. 

“Sir felt the it would be wise for someone to see to the coffee needs of yourself and Dr. Foster. You have made several complaints about the coffee not being to your standards.” JARVIS replied. If he’d been human she would have referred to his tone as blithe. As an AI she wasn’t sure if she should blame it JARVIS itself or on Tony for being a bad father. 

“So Tony felt like this was the best time to insert his penis into SHIELD without my complaining?” Darcy asked.

“I believe Sir’s genetalia is still in his pants.” JARVIS replied. “For the moment.” 

“JARVIS makes jokes!” Jane chuckled as she stared at the unassuming looking machine. 

“Sadly that is not in my programming, I merely observe and then theorize based on quantifiable evidence.” The AI was definitely a Troll. It was part of why Darcy loved it. 

“Further proof that Tony spends too much time naked near machines.” The astrophysicist noted, her lips tipped up and a gleam in her eye Darcy would need to worry about later. 

“J, look, I’m going to have to be straight with you here. You are Tony’s pride and joy, the thing he most likes to brag about because you are basically an extension of his brain, only you aren’t his brain. You are something he talks to, plays with, and struts when he people are admiring you. You, JARVIS, are his technological penis.” The brunette told the machine, patting the top of it gently. 

“And you are starting to sound like him.” Jane continued, staring at her friend now. 

“Ms. Lewis, one latte, four shots of espresso, correct?” JARVIS asked, apparently ignoring her comforting words and instead beginning to brew.

“How does the milk not go bad?” She had her priorities, and gagging over her coffee was pretty low on the list. Still rated above becoming a Bieber groupie, though, no matter how adorable Pepper found the Biebs.

“Cryogenic refrigeration unit.” The AI replied. 

“We’re keeping him, right?” Jane asked, her coffee cup now empty. The petite genius was staring at the dripping black liquid with avarice and her friend swatted at her, keeping the woman at bay until she rescue the cup JARVIS was making for her.

“Of course we are.” Darcy dismissed the faint worry of the other woman and then let her put her own cup down on the little platform in the middle. 

“Agent Coulson isn’t going to like that.” Jane replied worriedly, noting the slight smile starting to spread across the younger woman’s face. “It’s a bad idea.” She stared at the younger woman and Darcy turned to stare back.

“I didn’t say anything!” 

“You don’t have to, you’re thinking loud enough.”

“Are you impugning my character?” 

“It’s not impugning if it’s true.”

“Yes it is.”

“This is why I didn’t focus on English.... fine, I’m impugning your character.” Jane let out a sound of frustrating and gave her one-time intern a dirty look as she snatched up her coffee cup and stalked off into her labs to scare minions. Ahem, lab assistants. 

“Ms. Lewis, good morning.” Phil smiled placidly as he set his coffee cup down on the machine and grinding sounds began. The curvy brunette looked at him sideways, cocking a single brow and wondering how the heck he’d known about the JARVIS-caffeine machine. 

“How’s it shakin’ bacon?” She asked instead. Phil blinked and pondered the question for a moment.

“Did you just call me fat?” He asked, picking his coffee cup back up and taking a sip of the hot liquid. 

“Yes. Yes I did.” The woman nodded staring at him with a blank face for a few more moments before turning and walking back out to her desk. Agent Coulson followed her, sipping blissfully on the black sludge he referred to as coffee.

“My feelings might be hurt.” He mentioned, standing in front of her desk as she sat down. He had thought about offering to rearrange a bit and get some chairs so people coming to visit her would be able to sit down, but then decided against it. Darcy liked walls at her back and for people to stand and become more uncomfortable the longer she ignored them. It was a tactic Nick Fury approved of, though he hadn’t been down to the labs himself since she had taken over. 

“Rumor is you are actually a robot and therefore incapable of feelings.” Darcy dismissed his light tease with a wave of her hand and a quirk of her lips. 

“I assure you, I’m a real boy, Ms. Lewis,” he assured her, eyes trained on hers. She looked up and was caught in his stare. He had penetrating eyes, commanding and clear and far more observant than any one person deserved. She was pretty sure he saw everything people wanted him to and everything they didn’t, then he noticed all the things they didn’t even realize. It was how he had become Agent Coulson. His voice dropped lower as his blue eyes narrowed a touch. “I have all kinds of feelings.” His eyes dropped to her lips for a moment and then moved back up to her eyes. “Have a nice day, Ms. Lewis.” 

Darcy watched him leave the room, her eyes wide and her heart thudding in her chest for a very long time. Later she would remark that she hadn't been struck dumb like that since grade school. For now, though, all she could think of was that had really just happened. _How_ had that happened? She pulled her coffee cup up so it was level with her lips and decided the only thing left to do was put it off and think about it later. Maybe while getting hammered.

“No! Bad mental images, nonono!” Darcy squeezed her eyes shut and scrunched up her nose. This was going to complicate things.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so it shall slowly move forward from here.

“Don’t give me that look, this is all on you.” Darcy might have been a bit smug, but it was nice having Jane trapped in these self defense classes with her. Besides, it wasn’t like Natasha was likely to kill them. According to Clint she was apparently fond of them. Eventually, once their classes were over and it no longer seemed like sucking up to teacher, she would have to invite the redhead to join them for ladies night. Three brunettes, two redheads and there would still be no blondes. She’d have to fix that, too. Purely for aesthetics. 

“I am not amused!” Jane huffed at her as she through a pretty decent hook at the younger woman’s head. 

“Less talking, more attacking.” Natasha barked, circling the two like a lioness with her prey. Darcy kind of wanted to be her, if she ever decided to grow up. Darcy winced and dodged the fist flying at her, concentrating on her movements instead of pithy comebacks. 

An hour later the two women were laying on the floor, chests heaving, covered in sweat, with a red haired assassin standing over the top of them, arms crossed and looking vaguely pleased. If Darcy hadn’t felt like she was about to melt into a puddle of exhausted goop she might have been a little proud of herself. 

“We’re done for today. Shower and head out.” Natasha turned on her heel and left the room, not bothering to offer them any commentary. She would save that for a few more classes. There wasn’t a point in offering critique if neither of them were willing to try and hit the other just yet. Once they were comfortable with each other she would give them praise and corrections. 

Jane rolled over first, getting to her knees and staring down at Darcy helplessly. The two used each other as crutches, pulling themselves to their feet and heading toward the locker rooms. Darcy wasn’t one for long showers, it came from years of worrying about whether or not they had enough hot water and trying to make sure she didn’t take it all. Then there was the fun times when her mom was dating a loser who would “accidentally” try to walk in on her while she was in the shower. Losers. 

Darcy finished her shower first and quickly got dressed before sitting down on the bench and contemplating a nap while Jane enjoyed the endless supply of hot water SHIELD had for their locker rooms. She got as far as picking up her purse and setting it next to her before she gave up. Taking a nap now would mean being up well past her bedtime. Stupid maturity was catching up with her. What would Tony think? 

Darcy glanced down as her phone buzzed. Speaking of the devil, it was a text from Tony. Not unheard of, he could be quite needy when he was in that kind of mood and she’d gotten messages from him at two in the morning demanding she tell him if he was in her top five favorite people in the world list. She’d taken it in a stride, though. This was simply who Tony was. It was like how Jane horded poptarts in her desk and demanded Darcy get more because there weren’t enough; Adorable and a little odd.

 **”I don’t know how to take 8 wine bottles to recycling without looking crazy…”** The brunette raised both eyebrows, rolling so her back was flat on the locker room bench as she stared up at her phone screen trying to understand the text. _”Are you in Malibu?”_ she wasn’t actually sure where the recycling was in the tower. Her phone buzzed again almost immediately.

 **”I’m at the tower. Pepper told me to clean up after myself. I’m not actually sure where the recycling bins are. How do I do this?”** Darcy frowned, she wouldn’t really be much help this time as she didn’t have the answers. Well, she didn’t have the right answers anyhow. 

_”You have to stumble and sing loudly when you take the bottles down, maybe hug an old lady and call her dad.”_ she sent off the text with a grin as Jane came out and looked at her skeptically. 

“Do I want to know?” Jane asked warily. Darcy grinned like the proverbial cat and Jane shook her head. “Never mind, plausible deniability is key.” The older woman announced, running a brush through her hair and moving to get dressed. The younger woman’s laughter echoed across the tiles as her cell phone buzzed again.

On the other side of the building Natasha was draping herself across the back of a chair while Clint cleaned and reassembled guns in one of the weapons cages. She looked vaguely pleased, so she must not have had to kill the Scientist and the Mouthy Aid. The archer glanced up and quirked an eyebrow, asking how it went. The right corner of her mouth quirked up a tiny bit and she blinked slowly, pleased with the results she had seen, but not overly impressed. It was going to take a bit of work, but the other two women would be able to do it. 

Clint carefully packed the sniper rifle back into it’s bag, all parts carefully and properly stowed. You should always cherish the things which can save your life, after all. Then he got up and stowed the bag, taking down another one and bringing it back to the table so he could go over it with his hawk eyes. He had been at this for about an hour and was tallying all those who would need to take a remedial “Love the Gun” course with him this weekend. He sat back down and opened up the new case, not at all surprised Natasha now had one of her own and was opening it. They could discuss her class in more detail while they worked in seeming silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to http://whenparentstext.com for providing the muse for the text convo with Tony!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Phil Interlude.

“Romanova is the best” Maria’s stern tone was deceptively bland and Phil blinked once, trying to figure out when she had entered the room. He hadn’t heard his door open and he had lodged a pin in one of the hinges years ago to make sure it squeaked appropriately whenever someone entered the room. His eyes flicked to the lean brunette and then back to his computer.

“I am aware of Agent Romanoff’s credentials.” He informed the woman, his superior truth be told, though few people remembered. He was also quick to use her official name instead of the name she was given at birth. He might have a special relationship with the woman as opposed to most of those in SHIELD, but he was not a friend. He was a respected colleague at best, one that was also trusted. The number of people that Natasha considered friend were few. They also tended to be the type of people that most others didn’t not consider ever wanting to even meet, let alone be around unless it was some kind of requirement. 

“I had the feeds to the room tagged. You were watching her train Dr. Foster and Ms. Lewis.” Maria continued, stalking around the edge of his office like a caged jaguar. The nonchalance she showed couldn’t hide the fact that she could turn in an instant should she consider that the best use of her time. Even Fury respected the bland violence the woman carried on her person like an accessory. 

“I was never in any doubt that Agent Romanoff would do well as a trainer.” Phil informed her, refusing to watch her prowl any longer and instead going back to the papers he had been going over.

“You were afraid she would break them.” The brunette was more amused than the man might like, and yet she was also right. He had been watching because he hadn’t wanted Natasha to be overly rough with the women, which was also why she had told him it was a closed session and only women were allowed. She had, of course, skipped trying to protect his fragile male ego and informed him that men perceived them as soft and it was why they had so little discipline. It was Natasha’s raised eyebrow and the disgusted look in her eye which had told him she thought he was thinking with his penis and she was tired of it. 

“I was never afraid.” He replied evenly, knowing it was a weak argument, but choosing to stay with it anyhow. He may have been _concerned_ but that was fully understandable. 

“Of course not.” And now she was just mocking him. Phil leaned back in his chair and raised an unimpressed eyebrow, fully done with her for the moment. She was already standing in front of the door again. The woman had impeccable timing and she used her powers, more often than not, for evil. 

“Fury wants you in his office in ten.” She turned, opened the door, and walked back out. This time the door squeaked as it was supposed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a teaser chapter, the next chapter is mostly written and already well over twice as long. I'm sorry!! Between moving and working Emerald City Comicon it's been busy!!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tuesday Morning at Stark Tower

“You are not as helpful as you think you are!” Tony declared, pointing at Darcy with a wrench. He was in a wifebeater and jeans, both of which were heavily stained with fluids the young woman didn’t actually want to identify. A few of them might be safe, the rest of them would just make her imagination run wild in the worst possible way. 

“I am incredibly helpful, it’s why you keep me around.” She informed him, not at all bothered by his declaration. He glowered at her for a moment and then shrugged, she was right after all. 

“I couldn’t find an old lady so I hugged a hobo and called him mom.” He explained, ducking back into the engine of the old chevy he was fiddling with. Darcy liked it when he was in the actual garage, it was less likely that there might be an accidental fire or explosion. In the garage he tried to be more careful, he loved his cars. He named the cars, even though they weren’t as fun as his robots. 

“How’d that go for you?” She grinned a bit, sitting on the hood of a shiny blue vehicle. She got a pointed look and wiggled a bit to get comfortable. A jersey skirt wasn’t going to scratch the paint, and if it did he had enough money to get the car repainted. If he didn’t want her to sit on the car, he would provide alternativee seating, and he wouldn’t leer when she leaned back to rest on her elbows like some kind of pinup girl. They’d had this discussion before.

“He peed on my leg.” The look on Tony’s face was priceless; horrified, amused, resigned, and a little devious.

“And Pepper said to just put the recycling in the the bins under the sink?” Darcy asked, a mischievous grin playing at the corner of her lips. 

“Yep.” Tony agreed, the muscles across his shoulders rippling as he cranked the wrench doing Thor knew what under there. Then he was suddenly still and Darcy’s cheshire smile grew. He had just caught up with the rest of the class. “You played me.” 

“I gave you the answers you needed.” She informed him, tilting her knee from side to side since she couldn’t kick her feet. “The end justifies the means.”

“I could have just put them under the sink.” Tony told her, his voice dry and not overly amused. 

“But then I wouldn’t have won the bet with Clint.” Darcy informed him, acting as though this should be obvious.

“You had a bet going with Clint that a homeless man would urinate on my leg?” Tony asked, a little surprised and a little intrigued. 

“I had a bet going with Clint that you get confused about where things go in your own tower.” Darcy informed him. “The rest of it was for my own amusement.” 

“You are a terrible person.” Tony informed her after a moment of contemplation. “I believe I shall adopt you.” He cranked the wrench once more and then wiped his hands on the dirty rag hanging from his back pocket. 

“I’m a bit old to be adopted.” Darcy informed him, her voice dry as she walked over to the car he was working on and slipped into the drivers seat. 

“You’re a bit young to write off a billionaire sugar daddy.” Tony retorted, tossing her the keys. They’d done this a few times before, Darcy hanging out with Tony when he wasn’t in a science mood and she’d finished her backlog of work from earlier that week. 

“I’m willing to trade sex for a write off on my student loans.” Darcy informed him, turning the key in the ignition and listening to the engine start up. 

“You already sold your soul for that. SHIELD takes care of their own and all that nonsense.” Tony reminded her gesturing for her to cut the engine. She turned off the vehicle and leaned back in the seat.

“I don’t work for SHIELD, _I_ am taking care of my loans.” She reminded him, an amused smirk on her face. How the man could memorize schematics for complex machines and learn an entirely new subsect of science in a single night and not remember simple facts like where his part time assistant worked the rest of the time was completely beyond her. It was kind of adorable, though.

“Wait, that’s shady. Even for an alphabet agency run by a one-eyed tyrant.” Tony informed her with a frown, apparently only just realizing she was her own person. She wanted to pat him on the head and tell him to stuff it, she could take care of herself. She could take care of herself, take care of Jane, and take care of Tony as well! So there! She didn’t though. Instead she sniffed and looked down at her nails. She was in serious need of a manicure.

“You think that’s shady you should swing by my apartment building after sundown.” Darcy retorted, trying to decide if she could swing a real manicure this week, or if she’d have to do it herself and hope she didn’t fuck it up too badly. 

“Apartment? Don’t you live in the SHIELD penthouse with Foster?” Tony demanded, now staring at the brunette, completely aghast. She stopped staring at her nails to stare at the genius. 

“I’m not her body servant, I run her lab.” Darcy reminded him slowly, trying to figure out how he thought she lived with her other boss. Apparently they’d never had that conversation before. Odd. Usually Tony was all about the inappropriate questions. 

“Where is your apartment? Do you have a 24hr doorman?” Tony asked, his eyes wide and stern as he focused all of his formidable intelligence on her living situation. Darcy, for her part, was unimpressed with him.

“You need to not focus on my living situation. I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.” She informed him. They stared at each other silently for about a minute. “And if I catch you stalking me, I’m gonna tell Pepper.” She informed him.

“Low blow, Lewis.” He muttered, wrinkling his nose in a way which suggested he was only accepting defeat for the moment. 

“Did you figure out who put the pirate flag up outside Fury’s office?” Darcy asked a moment later. Tony cackled as he started putting away his tools, treating them far more gently than he treated actual people. 

“No. They covered their tracks well, almost like they knew someone would be searching for them.” Tony contemplated that for a moment.

“He’s the director of a covert government alphabet agency who employs mostly spies and assassins.” Darcy reminded him. 

“Did he put the leather twins on it?” Tony asked, thinking it over for a moment. 

“Worse, Phil.” Darcy said with a wicked grin. Phil and Maria might be the voice of reason to Fury’s insta-rage, but reason was sometimes relative. Or at least it was when you were dealing with super people. Phil and Maria definitely counted as super people. 

“Someone is going to be eviscerated when they are tracked down.” Tony agreed, contemplating the possible outcomes for the unknown prankster. A pirate flag in general might have concerned the agency. A pirate flag outside of the one eyed director of SHIELD was epic. At least amongst SHIELD agents. Everyone was sure it was one of their own, they just weren’t sure who. 

“Or given a raise.” Darcy offered, considering the possibilities. After all, if they called it a “training exercise” they could consider it a win. Especially if it turned out to be Clint, Darcy had money on it being Clint. 

“Speaking of raises.” Tony started, closing his tool box and straightening up again. 

“If you offer me a raise right now I am going to hit you.” Darcy informed him, getting out of the car and heading toward him. They walked, side by side, out of the garage and into the elevator to get to the labs.

“How does offering you a raise make you violent?” Tony demanded, clearly affronted.

“Offering me a raise because you are judging my home despite never having been there makes me violent. Besides, giving me a raise just means I’d spend more money on school, not on my house. Not like I’m there all that often, anyhow.” She shrugged a bit, unconcerned. She did most of her homework at SHIELD or at the library, her apartment was for sleeping and the occasional fast food binge. 

“You aren’t making me feel better, kid.” Tony informed her as the elevator stopped at the labs and the two got off. Thankfully Darcy had gotten used to JARVIS paying attention to everything they did and taking care of mundane things like picking where the elevator was going to take them. 

“Cool your jets Tin Man.” Darcy told him, walking backwards so she could stare at him while they walked. She trusted J to let her know if she was going to walk into something. Tony wouldn’t tell her, he’d just make sure her biff was recorded. He was a good friend like that, she’d do that same to him. 

“I’m just saying-” Tony started before her arm whipped across in a slash to cut him off.

“No! It is Tuesday! It is a day of happiness and tequila and tacos! None of your shenanigans and none of your attempts to change someone's life because you have some creepy need to atone for the fact that you were born richer and smarter than pretty much anyone else in the entire world. If you do I’m telling Pepper that you are the reason I am morose and ruining ladies night!” She informed him, her voice rising in decibel as she stared him down. She _liked_ her apartment. She liked it just the way it was. Ok, liked was a bit strong. She understood the neighborhood and her neighbors and the people that came and went. She was fine there. Also, New York City was freaking expensive. 

“I still haven’t seen pictures.” Tony said, easily going to the new topic.

“You probably never will.” Darcy informed him agreeably, stopping at her desk and sitting down in her ergonomic chair. It was a lot nicer than her chair at SHIELD. 

“It’s _ladies_ night. With Pepper.” Tony said, putting on his eager puppy eyes. Darcy ignored him.

“Tony, I need the schematics for the subsonic aircraft thingamabob, preferably in the next twenty minutes. I still have to pick up Jane for Taco Tuesday.” Darcy told him evenly, already tapping away at her keyboard. It was time for work, and she already felt like she had earned the drinks she would be sucking down tonight.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who knew this was going to take 20 chapters? Not me ....

“Darcy.” Jane bounced for a moment and looked over her shoulder at the empty doorway. “Darcy!” She looked forward again and bounced on her toes excitedly. A moment passed and she looked over her shoulder again. The doorway was still open and empty. She frowned and glared at the open spot. _**”Darcy!”**_ She screamed. She knew the other girl was here, she was positive she had heard the younger woman come back from Stark Industries no less than twenty minutes ago.

“What!?” Came a responding and equally irritated shriek from the other area of the labs. 

“I need to go to Oslo!” Jane shouted. 

“I am _not_ going back to Norway! It is cold and icy there and I do not like it!” Darcy shouted back. 

“Then send me with minions!” Jane called back. 

“HR says we need to stop calling them minions!” was Darcy’s response. The petite scientist moved to the doorway and stared at her OA for a moment. Darcy was sitting crosslegged on a giant yoga ball instead of her usual leather chair, balancing rather impressively, and typing quickly. 

“HR said we need to stop calling them minions, or that we need to stop referring to them as minions on all official paperwork?” Jane asked, a smirk making her lips tip up like a naughty child.

“Originally they said to stop in general, but we had a talk about freedom of speech and it was agreed that what they had meant was official paperwork.” Darcy clarified, a smug smile on her lips. 

“And then I get called.” Phil announced from the door. 

“You were going to get called anyhow. Dr. Foster is going to Oslo and needs an entourage which doesn’t include me, but will need to include someone who understands the care and feeding of a mad scientist.” Darcy informed him before turning her attention back to her computer monitor. Phil raised an eyebrow and looked over at Jane. Jane smiled brightly and bounced on her toes, not bothering to deny it. She was in a good mood. She was close, so close!, to bringing Thor back. She knew it! She needed readings from Oslo, though. 

“Paperwork?” Phil asked, folding his hands in front of him. Darcy unfolded her legs to balance as she slid to the side and opened a drawer, pulling out a slim folder and opening it up. Four blank spots for her to fill in, seven tags which required Jane’s initials and two spots for signatures, and the folder was passed to Phil. 

“Impressed?” She asked him, a smirk growing across her red lips. She had already changed for taco night and was now in a flirty navy blue dress with leggings and neon pink socks. Her boots were sitting on the floor behind her, having been discarded for her yoga moves at the desk while she totally trolled Avengers fanfiction online. It helped that she had the deets on a few of the people in question. 

“I have always found you impressive, Ms. Lewis.” He assured her, his lips tipping up at the corner. Jane looked from one to the other for a moment and then turned around and walked back to the lab. She might be easily distracted by science(!), but that didn’t mean she couldn’t read her friend, and right now she was in the middle of contemplating flight. Best that Jane give her space to feel like she wasn’t trapped and then just bring it up at dinner. Always know when to corner your prey. 

“With Dr. Foster gone, will you have time for a cup of coffee?” Phil asked as soon as the other woman was no longer visible. Darcy blinked, her face blank as her head canted to the side and she stared at him with her deep blue eyes. It was vaguely disconcerting for the agent, this woman who was most definitely too young for him. She was quite distracting and he reasonably was sure she found him equally distracting. It could have also just been hopeful reasoning on his part. He was hoping not. 

“I might.” She told him slowly, the implications of his question running through her head. She’d had the idea that he might be into her rockin’ curves for a while now, but she hadn’t thought the man would act on it. He was Phil, after all. He was like the original James Bond and she was sure that meant he’d had more than his fair share of ladies. 

“Let me rephrase.” Phil told her with an easy smile, an honest smile that made little wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. She found herself smiling back slowly. “I would like to take you out for coffee. I would like it to have very little to do with our jobs and very much to do with us, personally. Would you like to join me?” 

“Wow.” Darcy blinked at him a few times, trying to figure out how she had lost the use of her words. 

“You can take your time thinking about it.” Phil assured her, not the least bit put off by her silence. He tapped the spine of the folder on her desk twice and gave her a happy smile before turning to stride out the door.

“Yes!” Darcy shouted after him, suddenly finding her words and her feet all at once and almost falling as she took a step forward and walked into her desk. Phil turned as she colorfully cursed her desk and rapped her knuckles on it like it was some kind of recalcitrant dog. 

“Shall I disappear the desk?” Phil asked easily, that smile still playing around his eyes and doing funny things to her tummy. She blinked and then stopped, clearing her throat and attempting to be a grown up. 

“That won’t be necessary. Coffee. Yes. I would like to go for coffee. With you. Outside.” She paused, her eyes going wide. “Or inside. Wherever you want. I’m good with it.” She clamped her lips shut and her eyes went even wider, her cheeks turning light pink as she began to blush. 

“I look forward to it. Let me know if you change your mind about the desk.” Coulson told her, deciding her blush was adorable before turning and walking out the door. Darcy waited a full two minutes before her shoulders slumped and she collapsed onto the yoga ball. 

“Part of me wants to make fun of you, but the rest of me acknowledges that I got my last date because I hit him with a car and gave him brain damage.” An amused Jane announced, having taken the time to quickly change out of her stained t-shirt and jeans combo she used for science(!) and into nicer jeans and a shirt without stains. 

“It was a van and technically you made _me_ hit him because you are a control freak mcpantytwist and mean that way.” Darcy informed her, letting her head fall down to bounce on the desk lightly, her hair curtaining her face. 

“I was trying to help you.” Jane informed her primly. She refused to accept that her actions had been anything but good, even if they had led to a minor freak out directly afterwards. 

“You are a crazy person and I need tequila.” Darcy informed her, standing back up walking over to her boots to jerk them on before grabbing her purse and jacket and stomping out of the lab, a cackling Jane directly behind her already trying to figure out the best way to tell the other two ladies about what had just happened.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Girl's Night & Tony gets caught!

Darcy snagged a table, she and Jane being first to the bar, as per usual. Jane ran into the bathroom and Darcy asked for four tequila shots. She gave her friend two minutes to get out of the bathroom and join her before she started downing the shots one at a time. Jane came out in time to watch her swallow the fourth and bite down hard on the lime. The petite scientist took a seat, staring at her friend in wary amusement. That was how Pepper and Maria found them, Darcy with a lime rind smile and Jane looking like she wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell her friend to slow down or just buy another round.

“Apparently we missed something.” Pepper commented, draping her jacket over the back of her chair before sitting. 

“Phil asked Darcy out for coffee.” Jane told them, still watching Darcy. The younger woman closed her eyes, lime still in her mouth.

“It was just a matter of time.” Maria said, shrugging it off. Darcy closed her eyes and groaned, letting her forehead drop the table. Maria decided to ignore her in favor of turning expectant eyes to Jane. 

“She said yes.” The scientist was now the proverbial cat with a canary. The other two women focused back on the youngest member of their group. 

“Really?” Maria practically purred the word, putting her elbow on the table and resting her chin in her hands. Pepper lifted her hand in the air and wiggled four fingers. They were now considered regulars at this establishment and people didn’t really look at them twice. When new people _did_ recognize Pepper, the regulars and the staff generally managed to head them off. Once someone got through to profess their undying love the redhead was usually gracious and considerate, thanking them for their time, before Darcy told them to quit cockblocking girls night and glowered the poor man into leaving. 

“I think I did …” Darcy said a moment later after pulling the green rind out of her mouth and staring at it contemplatively. “And then I said other things which probably made him reconsider and I’m going to get stood up at a coffee shop after spending hours freaking out over my outfit and spending actual time doing my hair and putting in contacts and taking off all my makeup and redoing it at least three times and then I’ll be sitting there looking great and feeling nervous and looking at the clock and then I’m going to drink eight cups of coffee and refuse to get up to pee, because I might miss him coming into the shop and I won’t even have my tablet because neither of my cute purses will hold something that size so I’ll be bored, cramping up, desperately staring at the door, and _everyone will be judging me_.” She took a deep, gasping breath and stared between her three friends with wide, scared eyes. Maria blinked twice and looked over at Jane, who looked back at Maria. Then they both turned to look at Pepper, so Darcy did too. 

Pepper took Darcy’s hand and patted the back of it gently, smiling softly at the other girl. “Time to pull up the big girl panties and dive into the deep end, darling.” She told her, the words at odds with the gentle tone of voice. She was serious though. Phil was over the moon for the girl, everyone could see it except for Darcy. Explaining it, however, wasn’t going to convince the girl and it might have the added effect of making her more nervous. So instead she was going to do what she did with Tony; provide a bit of tough love. 

“I, apparently, need more tequila.” Darcy informed her after a long pause. 

“Do the big girl panties come with the big girl voice?” Jane asked with a wicked smile, eyeing her friend as their margarita’s arrived. 

“Why, do you need a pair of your own?” Maria asked, eyebrows raised as she shot at the scientist. Darcy cracked a nervous smile and then took a deep breath, closing her eyes. 

“Okay, no more talk of Phil. I’ve got a date, apparently, and Jane thinks she’s close to getting blond and beautiful back into her bed. Next?” Darcy demanded, looking around expectantly.

“I picked up a firefighter last night. Lovely musculature, apparently he’s May on the calendar.” Maria offered, sipping her drink and smiling fondly at last night’s memories.

“Tramp.” Jane declared a moment later.

“One of my many good qualities.” Maria agreed easily. 

“Everyone knows who I’m sleeping with.” Pepper informed them, a smile on her face. 

“Unless he’s made a cyborg replica so we don’t know when he’s pulling all nighters.” Darcy offered. Pepper stopped smiling at glared at the younger woman.

“Do not ever mention that where he or JARVIS might hear you.” The redhead said evenly, her eyes still narrowed as the other two women laughed. 

On the other side of town Tony was sifting through all of the information JARVIS had been able to bring in from SHIELD on Darcy. He had an entire graph portion setup and a venn diagram for her time at school, at SI, and at SHIELD. She was wrong about her apartment being centralized. If she was centralized between her three main places of being, she would be downtown. Not, and he shuddered to think it, _Harlem_. SI wasn’t that far from Columbia and SHIELD NY HQ. In fact, the tower was close enough she could walk to school from there. Not that she would ever have to, which was why Tony had drivers in his employ. Well, Pepper’s employ. Also, apparently Happy was rather fond of her. 

“Mr. Stark, You have thirty seconds to explain to me why you felt the need to copy all data on Ms. Lewis.” A pleasantly bland voice informed him. Tony jumped a bit, but didn’t bother turning. JARVIS and Pepper had given Agent the override codes in case Tony crossed a line or two and went to the dark side. Or Pepper was out of state and Tony stopped sleeping for a few days. 

“Her salary is abysmal, she needs a raise. You should look into that.” Tony offered without pause, still going through everything. He had her apartment up to the left, links to every news article and police call made in a two block radius listed beneath it. It was a long list. 

“Twenty seconds, Stark.” Phil continued, walking further into the room and looking past Tony at the information spread in front of him. It was always a bit like walking into a science fiction movie when dealing with the genius, the technology was decades ahead of what was on mass market. 

“She made a remark about her apartment.” He had made Mark I out of self preservation necessity. He had made Mark II out of a need to stop people from getting hurt, people who couldn’t defend themselves like he could. He did it because he cared, something he would never, ever, admit to anyone other than Pepper. And even then, he would only admit it under duress.

“We are aware of where Ms. Lewis is residing.” Phil told Tony evenly, his eyes locked on the picture of the dirty building. 

“I am aware that you are aware.” Tony assured the other man, bringing forward a picture with a nondescript rather dirty junky making a buy on the corner. A junky who looked an awful lot like Clint. The silence coming from the agent was enough to tell Tony he was correct. Darcy would not be amused, he planned on keeping that one in his pocket for a little while. 

“Five seconds.” Phil continued, not at all impressed by the comment about her apartment.

“I’m just making sure her security is up to par. Keep your sunglasses on, Agent.” Tony snarked, still going through information. Items were highlighted and tucked off to the side by JARVIS for Tony to go through as he pleased. It made sense, there was far too much information for the man himself to sift through all of it in the time he wanted it done by. 

“Alright.” Phil agreed after a beat, moving a few steps forward to stand beside the other man. Tony, for his part, merely eyed the agent and then went back to sorting. 

“I might have to buy the building in order to upgrade it the way it should be, but really I shouldn’t have to because she should be staying here.” Tony continued, obviously irritated by that. 

"That is not an argument I plan to have with Ms. Lewis in the near future." Phil informed the other man, a pained smile on his face. Tony didn't see it as he was still siding through information on Darcy's apartments.

"I'll bring it up to Pepper, it might be better coming from her." Tony informed the other agent, deciding he might get in less trouble that way.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Darcy has a mass freak out.

It wasn't that she didn't appreciate her friends, it was just she didn't really need their input in something she was already nervous about. Between Jane's thoughts on how the date should go, Maria's thoughts on wardrobe, and Pepper's need for expensive shoes, Darcy was ready to flip out. She still had a couple days before this coffee thing and she was close to just giving up and canceling. After all, better to stop now while they were still friends rather than let Phil realize just how messed up in the brainpan she really was. 

So Darcy being Darcy she decided the best thing to do was avoid everyone for a day or two. It was easy enough with Pepper and Maria, a little trickier with Jane. Stark either didn't know yet about the date, or more likely, had mentioned something to Phil and then promptly figured out it was better not to interfere. Phil could get Tony to stop talking almost as quickly as Pepper could. 

So here she was, huddled on the floor under a desk at SHIELD with a cup of noodles on her lap and staring off into space instead of eating her lunch. What was she doing? Why had she said yes to Phil? Because it was her visceral reaction and because he made her stomach flutter in a way the had never happened before. Phil was part of SHIELD, though. He was a spy. He was the spy of spies. He was like the Godfather or something, only without the cat and the creepy slicked back hair Italian mafiosos seemed to favor. He was tricky and sly and he could hurt her. He could make her care and he could hurt her and she might not even realize it was what was happening until it was too late. Spies _lied_ and she didn’t want to be lied to by someone who was making her feel some uncomfortably comfortable in his presence. 

Darcy reached a hand out and dropped her still full cup of noodles in a trash can before closing her eyes and banging her head lightly against the desk. If she canceled now she would never hear the end of it, but obviously that was what she needed to do. She was going to hyperventilate and die well before Friday anyhow, so she needed to cancel and just let Phil off the hook before she bit the big one. It was really the right thing to do. Because she was twelve. The brunette gave a strangled moan and buried her face in her hands. It was then that there was a thump on the desk above her. Peeking out she saw legs hanging off the edge. Legs in dark gray trousers and polished black shoes. 

“Not having a good day?” Phil’s voice was quiet and maybe a little amused and Darcy’s lips tightened as tears sprung to her eyes. If she was this messed up over the idea of a date, she was about a billion times more fucked up than she’d originally thought. 

“I’ve certainly had better.” She admitted when she was sure her voice wasn’t going to break. She didn’t ask how he’d found her in the back of beyond in an empty section of lonely desks. 

“Want to talk about it?” He offered after a pause, his feet still. She noticed that his socks had little guitars on them, almost too small to recognize. Her lips spread into a smile, this was why Phil made her tummy flutter. The little things no one else could see. 

“I’m being ridiculous.” She warned him, patting her eyes with the edge of her sweater sleeves in an effort not to smear her eyeliner. 

“Have you eaten?” He asked after another long moment. Darcy glanced guiltily at the trash can holding her full cup of noodles and climbed to her knees, looking over the desk at the man’s back. His jacket was laying over a different desk and his palms were beside him on the edge, his fingers silently tapping. 

“I’m too busy freaking out over our coffee date and trying to figure out why having girlfriends makes things harder instead of easier.” She admitted, sighing a bit. 

Phil turned to look at her over his shoulder, noting her flushed cheeks and still damp eyes, the way her head tilted to the side and back, her chin jutted out like she was daring him to give her his best shot. She was breathtaking and all he wanted to do was find whoever had put the bruised look in her eye and have a nice long chat about how you treat a lady. Only Darcy wouldn’t appreciate it, and it would be a useless attempt since half their names were unknown. So instead he hopped off the desktop, stepped around the desk, and helped Darcy to her feet. 

“I’m still kind of freaking out.” She told him, standing right in front of him with wide, dark eyes. They were the color of a New Mexico midnight, haunting and intoxicating. He was going to become a poet, at this rate. He’d never hear the end of it from Barton. Instead he lifted a hand and used a finger to tuck an errant curl behind her ear. 

“I guess this calls for a change of plans.” He grinned at her before grabbing her hand and tugging it lightly so she would follow him. She did, confused and intrigued all at once. He snagged his jacket as they went by and took her down a corridor she’d never bothered exploring before. They went into the archives room she usually avoided and into an elevator she hadn’t realized was in the back corner. Phil scanned his badge and hit an unmarked button which took them straight to the underground garage. 

“Can I do that?” She asked, staring behind her.

“No.” His tone was cheerful and there was a smile on his lips she wasn’t used to seeing. He led her to a bright red convertible. “This is Lola,” he opened the door and gestured for Darcy to take a seat. 

“Was she a show girl?” The girl asked, unable to stop herself as the agent got into the driver side.

“She was.” He was grinning outright now and Darcy smiled in response, the fears and questions plaguing her mind ten minutes ago no longer there. 

“Where are we going?” She waited to ask until after they were out of the garage and onto the streets of New York. 

“It’s a surprise.” He informed her, zipping around other vehicles like a Manhattan cabby. This was a side of him she’d never seen. His jacket was still off and he had unbuttoned the cuffs and loosened the sleeves to push them up his forearms. He was wearing his Men In Black sunglasses, but it was bright enough out that it was warranted. There was an ease to his face she’d never seen, though, and she felt oddly attracted to this part of him. He seemed closer. 

When they pulled over near Central Park and he took her hand again, she didn’t pull away. She let him guide her to a hot dog vendor and then let him order for both of them, only requesting the works when she was asked and getting an approving bellow from the guy serving them. Phil handed her the foil wrapped dog and took her into the park, straight to a bench half hidden behind bushes which gave a wonderful view of the jogging paths. 

“You are such a spy.” She told him, noting that few people would be able to see them. 

“Guilty as charged.” He smiled and took a big bite of his hot dog. They ate silently, eyeing the people around them curiously. She glanced over as she finished her hotdog and crumpled the foil into a ball. 

“How did you know I was hiding?” She asked. 

“A little birdy told me.” He half shrugged, again, not something she was used to seeing him do. He wasn’t being Special Agent Coulson right now. She was pretty sure he was just being Phil. 

“Clint isn’t that little.” She retorted, grinning despite herself.

“Don’t say that where he can hear you, the conversation will go downhill quickly.” Phil grimaced. 

“I don’t know, if Natasha were there it could be fun.” She glanced over, completely comfortable as Phil laughed out loud. It was a good laugh, full bellied and kind of quiet, but obviously genuine. This was why she’d said yes. Because she got to see Phil, not just Agent Coulson. Because he got that she needed an escape from everything for a minute, but she didn’t really need to escape him. 

“What is it?” He had a little line between his eyebrows when he didn’t know what she was thinking and needed it explained. She noticed it before, he didn’t get it with most people. Either he didn’t care or he used his whip smart brain to outthink them. 

“You’ve got a little mustard on your lip.” She told him, half falling against his chest so she could kiss him before she started overthinking things again. Her brain stopped when Phil’s fingers wove into her hair to cradle the back of her head. His hand was gentle, his mouth was not. It wasn’t rough, it was just intense. She half crawled into his lap before she realized what she was doing, her arm slinging around his neck to keep him close. 

She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, making out like teenagers, but she was a little dizzy from it when they finally broke apart. Thankfully all Phil could seem to do was lick his lips and blink, his pupils completely blown. Yeah, she’d done that. 

“So I guess coffee isn’t the first date.” She commented after a moment. He focused on her lips as she spoke. He gave that half shrug again and leaned in to capture her lips once more, deciding if she was capable of talking he could do better. 

Elsewhere, Natasha was collecting money from her partner, a smug smile on her face as she eyed the surveillance video she’d set up the week before. It was Coulson’s favorite lunch spot, but she’d known Clint would want evidence before he’d cough up the cash. They’d been playing together for a long time, after all.


	23. Chapter 23

“So,” Clint leaned himself against a wall, ankles and forearms crossed as he grinned at his handler. “Now that you are dating all official like, you going to stop your adorably creepy stalker act?” Phil ignored him. He was very good at ignoring Clint. The archer wasn't as good at being ignored, though.

**_One Year Later_ **

“Come on, trust me.” Phil held out a hand and Darcy narrowed her gaze as she crossed her arms. 

“I do trust you, I just don’t like surprises while I’m attempting to field calls from ten trillion government officials, reporters, and photographers trying to get an in with the lucky couple.” She informed the agent. 

“Yes you do.” He grinned a bit and she cracked, grinning back and taking his hand so he could tow her out of Jane’s lab. Jane herself hadn’t shown up in three days, not surprising since Thor was back full time and she was making up for lost time. You know, after she slapped him for not showing back up immediately. Twice. She liked to do things in pairs for emphasis. 

“This is hydroponics…” Darcy mentioned, looking around in amusement as he led her into another lab. They went through the main section, two separately blocked off areas and then into the back lab which looked more rainforest than lab. 

“It is.” Phil agreed affably. 

“And they are not here.” Darcy was grinning at the man now. 

“Team building in New Jersey.” He offered, still looking calm and collected. 

“Well isn’t that lucky.” She threw herself into his chest and he wrapped a hand around her lower back before lifting his other hand and clicking a button on a small control she hadn’t seen him pick up. The lights went down and the unmistakable sound of jungle noises appeared. Darcy laughed. 

“You don’t like spiders and won’t take a vacation anyhow.” He shrugged lightly and she surged up to kiss him full on the mouth, laughing as she did so which made him smile while he pulled her tighter. 

“I love you.” She informed him as she pulled back. 

“That’s to be expected. I am very lovable.” He was nodding and she shook her head at his antics, but wasn’t at all surprised. 

“I hear their new still involved passionfruit.” She told him wiggling back out of his grip. In response Phil held out two glasses with one hand and a sarong in the other. 

“Oh no, honey. If this is vacation I’m walking around naked.” She pulled her cardigan off, dropping it as she headed toward the booze. Phil grinned to himself and followed after her. This was perfection. Everything he needed and wanted. Not that he’d admit to that, Clint would take it as a challenge. So would Darcy, at that. Yes, best to keep those thoughts to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's all folks! 
> 
> Thank you for reading & putting up with the long breaks between updates!


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